Reflection And Regret


Monday March 26th, 2012 – Fox Lake, IL

No major catastrophes today, so that’s a plus. Maybe the storm is over for at least a little while, or it could just be the eye of the hurricane with a second round of insanity coming right behind it. Whatever the case, I’m getting right back to work to get myself out of the vulnerable spot I’m in.

I’ve managed to paint myself into an inconvenient corner, and there’s nobody to blame but me. Sure, I’ve caught some ugly breaks – but that’s no excuse. I’ve played my cards poorly, and have no choice but to fold this hand and start over. Dwelling on it or bitching isn’t going to change my situation, only well planned and properly executed action will. I refuse to place blame on others.

The truth is, I have a big mouth and I’m not afraid to use it. I call things exactly like I see them, even if it’s not the popular choice. That tends to sit poorly with some, and it probably should. I’d probably be feeling the same way if the situation was reversed, but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t mean that I’m right either. Occasionally I am, but that means less than nothing if it alienates people – and all too often it does. I think one of my feet is in my mouth and the other one has about a dozen bullets in it from my own gun. I can’t walk through life like that.

It’s not smart in the long run to be the loose cannon, but that’s a familiar role I’ve played for as long as I can remember. I’ve won the undying admiration of some, but the total disdain of others. I’ve rarely cared about who didn’t like it, but I realize now that’s a mistake. I have to dial it back.

Enemies themselves don’t scare me, but they can inflict damage on people who don’t know me by painting an unflattering picture without my being able to defend myself. Perception IS reality, and then I’m either in a hole before I open my mouth or don’t even get a chance to prove myself.

I’m in that position now as far as some comedy clubs are concerned, and it’s not where anyone wants to be. There are a few bookers who flat out won’t use me, and it has nothing to do with my abilities on stage. Even those who can’t stand me know I can do the job. But that doesn’t matter.

They’re in charge, and I’m not. If they don’t want to use me for any reason, they don’t have to. I’m having this happen way too much, and I have to change my ways immediately before I blow it completely. Its taken way too long to get to this point, why would I want to waste that effort?

If we truly are put here to learn, I’m making the absolute most of my time on this planet. I have made some major mistakes, and am learning some major life lessons through all this. They aren’t very pleasant, but they sure are effective. Hopefully, by cataloging my miscues I can teach others what not to do when they’re facing similar situations. I’ve screwed up, but so has everyone else.

It takes too much energy to be a polarizer, and I don’t want to play that role anymore. I’ve been at it a long time, and it’s not fun being a pariah. I may have scorched a few bridges that I’ll never be able to rebuild, and that’s on me. I regret that, and am moving on. I’ll have to reinvent myself whether I want to or not. Whichever direction I choose, I’m going in it with a mellower attitude.

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