Posts Tagged ‘newsletter’

Hat Tricks

January 30, 2014

Tuesday January 28th, 2014 – Island Lake, IL

As the first month of 2014 draws to a close, I have to make sure I maintain a steady rotation of change in the hat department. Anyone self employed has to play a number of roles, and there is a hat for each one of them. Some fit better than others, depending on the person wearing each one.

There’s one for sales and another for marketing. There’s one for product development and also one for customer relations. There’s one for taxes and accounting, and that’s one few like to wear. I never have, but it’s a part of the big picture so I want to make sure it stays in a prominent place.

Taxes and record keeping aren’t sexy, but too bad. Even the sexiest supermodels have to shave their pits. It’s much easier to tend to it once a week rather than let it grow wild for an entire year and deal with it then. That’s a pretty gross analogy, but I find it accurate. Taxes are gross to me.

I don’t enjoy doing any of it, and no matter how much I try to fool myself I know I never will. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to keep improving though. The more proficient I’m able to get, hopefully the less effort I’ll have to put in in the long run. It’s a hat I only wear when I have to.

In contrast, there are others I don’t like to take off. The creative hat that searches for ideas is an especially well fitting one, but I have to make sure I take it off once in a while so others can get a little top of head time. I spent all kinds of time wearing that hat the last few decades, and it was a big mistake. I let a lot of other duties lapse, and that’s why I find myself in my current position.

My sales and marketing hats laid around collecting dust, and I can’t afford to slip back into that old habit. I need to make sure they get some quality time, and plenty of it. It will be a major drain on the ideas and product maintenance hat time, but too bad. I need to produce different results. If I don’t make time to sell what I’ve already got, creating anything new is a futile waste of time.

Getting a newsletter out this month was nice, but that’s only the start. That’s going to be a BIG eater of time and energy, but it’s a must in my opinion. There are still some glitches that we need to work out, and almost half of our starting emails list either bounced back or were no good. That isn’t good, but it is a start. We did manage to have several hundred people open it so that’s a win.

There was quite a bit of positive feedback and that was encouraging, but it came from people I already know. The eventual purpose of the newsletter will be to develop relationships with those I haven’t met. There are more than seven BILLION possible recipients on the planet, so we have our work more than cut out. I’ve only got under 1000 in the fold so there’s big growth potential.

There’s also the hat of teacher. I really do enjoy the teaching and mentoring process, but that’s a lot of time and effort as well. Lining up classes is something I enjoy about as much as keeping tax records, but it’s also a necessary part of the process that needs to be done. I’ll gladly turn that hat over to someone else, but last time I did that guy stole money. For now, I am still wearing it.

And the biggest hat of all is the crown of the King of Uranus. I still believe there’s a gold mine under it, and with proper time, effort and input from business people it will be a home run. I have too many other hats to wear to give it the time it needs, but that’s how self employment works.

Everyone that is self employed has to wear a lot of hats - like it or not.

Everyone who chooses to be self employed has to wear a lot of hats – like it or not.

And then there's the royal crown worn by the King of Uranus.

And then there’s the royal crown worn by the King of Uranus.


A Personal Victory

January 22, 2014

Tuesday January 21st, 2014 – Island Lake, IL

Success! Ah, the taste is so sweet. It’s a small taste, but that’s ok. One bite of the highest grade of chocolate or finest cut of steak not only is still delicious – it makes one want more. After quite a few glitches to the point of completely starting over with a different company my new monthly “Maxwell’s Silver Humor Newsletter” has finally been sent out to a handpicked list of recipients.

In the big scheme of life I know it means less than nothing, but to me personally it’s as big of a victory as I’ve had in quite a while. When my business partner embezzled from me a while back it really rocked my world to the core. I totally didn’t expect it, and it jarred my business to a halt.

I had stupidly allowed him free reign of just about everything off stage, and when he pulled his little stunt and I had to fire him it set me back tremendously. We had a nice flow going, and I had a monthly newsletter that was very well received. This was before I started writing a daily diary.

Allegedly we had it up to 2500 recipients, but I can’t confirm that because I never saw any list. I took his word for it, but I have no reason to think he’d lie about that number. On the other hand I had no reason to think he’d steal from me either, but that’s a different story. I think it was right.

When we parted ways, not only did he not give me the mailing list he used it to try and start his own comedy classes using another teacher. I was shocked, hurt and infuriated all at once, and the whole situation degenerated into a big ugly mess. Many of the people on that list were friends of mine outside of comedy and weren’t students at all. I had to explain the situation over and over.

What a nightmare it all turned out to be, and quite honestly I seethed about it for years. I’m not the first person to get scorched by a business partner, but that was personal, messy and took a lot of inner discipline to not track him down and pound a tune on his skull with a monkey wrench.

After dragging everything through the mud for a few years he eventually moved to Australia -which still isn’t far enough away for my tastes but will have to do. I don’t know what he’s into now, and I really don’t care as long as it’s not comedy or comedy classes. The damage is done.

Once in a while I’ll have somebody out of the blue ask “Hey, whatever happened to your old newsletter? I used to really look forward to it.” It makes me cringe inside, but I always tell them I’ll make sure I add their name to the list when I start it up again. Today I fulfilled my promise.

I’ve been compiling email addresses for several years now, and our initial mailing had almost 2000 entries. I know a lot of those will bounce back, and that’s fine. We knew it would take lots of tweaking to get it going smoothly, but we just wanted to get it going. The glitches weren’t fun, and ended up delaying everything by eight days. Our target was the 13th, but we got it out today.

Kudos to my one man pit crew Eric Feinendegen for hanging in there and seeing it through. He knows the situation with the last guy embezzling, and we’ve got a different agreement altogether. Actually, it was almost a good thing I experienced all that because now it’s a much better system and I won’t have that happen ever again. It was a painful lesson, but one well learned. I received all kinds of responses today from people I hadn’t heard from in years. That’s just what I wanted.

This was a long, hard painful road back, but I’m here and it feels ecstatic. I wasn’t sure that I’d ever be able to pull it off, but I hung in there and kept pecking away for years until I could get all the ducks in a row to try again. Today is that day and the sweet taste of victory is extra delicious.

But I know that’s all it is, a taste – and a tiny one at that. This was just the very beginning of an ongoing process that needs to last the rest of my business life. I need to establish a track record to those that don’t know me but could potentially hire me, and there are too many of those to count.

Of the 2000 or so names I have on the list now, a lot of those are personal friends and/or people that aren’t ever going to hire me. There are several hundred comedians for example, and I’m glad to be in contact from a friendship angle but for business they’re not going to do me much good.

I might get an occasional referral or get thought of for a fallout, but that’s not where my target is. I want to get my name in front of bookers of the best paying work available. That’s the reason to do this at all, and that’s why I’m making it such a priority. It’s basically an ad for my services.

Sending out one email is fine, but it’s surely not the end all be all. I heard from several bookers I hadn’t had contact with in a while, and that’s exactly what I was looking to have happen. I have been pathetic at staying in contact consistently, but that ends as of today. I’m already a winner.

I’m sure it will lead to a few bookings at some point, and that’s fantastic. It’s money directly in my pocket just for reminding people I’m still here. Now I have to grow this list and find EVERY person that could possibly book me and get in front of them every month. That will take a while.

I don’t have a clue who books what in the corporate world, and I also need to delve into media as well. Jimmy Fallon is taking over The Tonight Show in a few weeks. Who is the talent booker for comedians? Jimmy Kimmel? Conan O’Brien? David Letterman? I should know all the names and have all the contact info of these people but I totally don’t. And that doesn’t include radio.

Who are the producers of the top national, regionally syndicated and local radio shows all over North America? What about The U.K. or Australia or even the Armed Forces Network? There is a LOT of work to do, and this is just the tip of the tip of a gigantic iceberg. This is where money will come from, and I need to treat this list like the gold mine it will be. It’s my ticket to success.

I know it will take time to get it really humming like I picture, but today was a terrific start and I’m thrilled to be back in the game. Eric did a phenomenal job, and I’m grateful to be teamed up with him. He’s been great to work with, but if he embezzles he’s going to have to work harder to make it happen than the last guy. I’m a lot more wary now, and that’s good. I think we’ll be ok.

It feels tremendous to finally be getting my business chops in gear. I’m going to add all kinds of valuable contacts to my list as the year progresses, and I’m finally going to be smart enough to grow them into relationships. I’m also going to reconnect with people I shouldn’t have let lapse.

The work on this project is only beginning, but today was a major step. To fight back from the lowest point I can imagine feels extra satisfying, and any bitterness I had toward Mr. Embezzler is all gone. He actually did me a favor. Without that experience, I wouldn’t be as ready as I am.

'Maxwell's Silver Humor Newsletter' is now a reality. If you'd like to get on the list, send a valid email address to

‘Maxwell’s Silver Humor Newsletter’ is now a reality. If you would like to receive it each month, send a valid email address to

Hopefully chicks will dig it.

Hopefully chicks will dig it.

Even if they don't, it should  be good for business.

Even if they don’t, it should be good for business.

Summer Strategy

January 21, 2014

Monday January 20th, 2014 – Island Lake, IL

2014 is going on three weeks old, and I really like the direction it’s going. I’m working all over the place, yet staying close to home. Bookings are lining up exactly how they’re supposed to, but smart eyes need to be looking forward to the summer months. They are always the hardest to fill.

In the North, people don’t want to be inside when the weather is nice. Period. I can’t say that I blame them, as I feel the same way. There aren’t that many friendly weather months around here, so when they’re here the last thing I want is to be missing any fun. This is of significant concern, as I don’t want to be missing any paychecks either. I can’t have it both ways so I need a solution.

The time to think about coming up with a strategy is now – not on the Sunday before Memorial Day like I usually do. By then it’s too late, and all that’s left are scraps. 2013 was beyond terrible and I don’t intend to give an encore performance. June, July and August need my attention now.

One satisfactory solution would be another run on cruise ships. I shudder to think of doing that longer than three months, but I could stand twelve weeks if I had to – especially if I could have it booked soon. Knowing I had my summer nut covered would add confidence to everything else.

Another satisfactory solution would be – gasp – a radio job. I haven’t thought about doing that for a while, but the timing would be perfect. I swore I’d never bark up that tree again, but to say never just isn’t realistic. My needs are changing, and this might be the perfect time to rethink it.

I did manage to book a speaking engagement for the end of the month that will allow me to get some video that I can hopefully use to get more. I will at least have more avenues to scour to line up future work, and that brings hope for the summer as well. Depending on comedy alone for the summer months is a major mistake – at least in these times. I’d feel much better with a backup.

One thing that is going to eventually help immensely is a consistently sent monthly newsletter. Even though I’ve yet to send out the first one, it will get my name in front of as many bookers of paying work as I can find, and by sheer volume alone I’m sure some work will end up my way.

I should have been doing that all along, but I haven’t. There are reasons, but none qualify as an acceptable excuse. I was ‘busy’. Really? Busy doing what – not working? Again, I’m focused on marketing this year and this is one of the first things that need fixing. I’ve been bad far too long.

Having a newsletter start out now will give me at least a couple of chances to grab the attention of somebody who can hire me for the summer months. It will take at least six months before I am able to establish any consistency, and I know that going in. I’m expecting a payoff in December.

I’m looking to cultivate names of bookers, fans and media, and get them to hopefully think of me when an opportunity arises. That doesn’t happen overnight, so I’m starting to work on it now. My pit crew chief Eric had to switch carriers, as he didn’t like the software system of the first.

We knew there would be glitches getting started, and this was a big one. It’s a week after we’d hoped to get it sent, but nobody but us cares so we’re golden. We’ll keep plugging until it’s out.

It may be in the single digits outside, but I'm thinking about summer in my head.

It may be in the single digits outside, but I’m thinking about summer inside my head.

Another run on cruise ships may be a way to survive this summer.

Another extensive run on cruise ships may be a way to successfully survive the summer slow season.

A radio job wouldn't be bad either.

A radio job wouldn’t be bad either.

This doesn't appeal to me, even though the sign is pretty funny.

This option doesn’t appeal to me in the least, even though the guy’s sign is pretty funny.

Maxwell’s Silver Humor Newsletter

January 14, 2014

Sunday January 12th, 2014 – Island Lake, IL

I’ve been busy like a worker bee getting my new and improved monthly email newsletter ready to send out, and learned today it’s not going to be completely ready by tomorrow which had been the original target deadline date. I’m not disappointed at all, and in fact I’m feeling really good.

The advantage I had going in is that NOBODY is expecting it, and it won’t upset anybody. The only ones that knew the deadline even existed were my pit crew Eric and me. We have both done our jobs like we said we would, and it’s almost ready to go. We fully expected to have glitches.

I’m working on the content side, and Eric is dealing with the nuts and bolts of getting all of the technical aspects handled. He set up an account on a website that will let us send it to up to 2500 people, and we’ve both been working on sorting the email address list into distinct categories.

This is going to be a huge project, and a continuous work in progress. We’re both up for it and know what it entails – or at least we think we do. There will constantly be names being added to the list, and others will fall off. We hope to be able to grow each month but we need to start first.

Eric has about 1500-2000 email addresses to load into the system, but that total is deceiving. A significant number will probably bounce back, as I haven’t contacted them for a while. Many of the others are personal friends or other performers. It’s nice to say hello every month, but they’re not going to book me. I know that going in, and I’m not getting cocky about having a large list.

The long term plan is to collect fans everywhere I go, and keep them aware of when I might be back. There are places like the three Zanies Comedy Clubs in the Chicago area or Donnie B’s in Springfield, IL and several others where I perform regularly. I want to become a legitimate draw.

99.999% of comedians would not have dreamed of doing this years ago, but this isn’t years ago and I’m not a comedian anymore – at least not in my marketing strategy. I’m a HUMORIST, and humorists get paid a whole lot more to basically do what a comedian does. It’s about perception.

Humorists also have a ton of products for sale. Dave Barry has a library of books, as do people like Lewis Grizzard, Erma Bombeck, Al Franken and several others. George Carlin wrote books toward the end of his career, and Woody Allen wrote them at the beginning. I need at least one.

Building a list is the smart way to go, and worth all the time and effort we’re investing now as we breathe life into it from absolute zero. I went over to Eric’s house tonight and we plugged the content I wrote into the template we chose, and of course there were glitches with the actual text.

It didn’t line up correctly, and wasn’t pleasant to look at. It had poor eye appeal. It had nothing to do with content, but we still have to deal with it. Eric will figure it out, and that’s why we’re a team. I am not good with those types of things and I know it. He’ll get it fixed and we’ll send it.

But that’s just the beginning. We’ll need to keep cranking it out month after month to more and more people and that will go on perpetually. I’m calling it “Maxwell’s Silver Humor Newsletter” after the Beatles’ “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer”. If you’d like to get it, send your email address.

'Humorists' are revered and get paid big bucks. 'Comedians' tell dirty jokes in saloons. That's the perception - at least with those who pay to hire performers. I'm a humorist, thank you.

‘Humorists’ are revered and get paid big bucks. ‘Comedians’ tell dirty jokes in saloons. That’s the perception – at least with those who pay to hire performers. I’m a humorist, thank you.

My monthly "Maxwell's Silver Humor Newsletter" is about ready to launch.  If you want to receive it, send me your email address.

My monthly “Maxwell’s Silver Humor Newsletter” is about ready to launch. If you want to receive it, send me your email address.

Supposedly, women like a man with a sense of humor. I wonder if she thinks I'm funny?

Supposedly, women like a man with a sense of humor. I wonder if she thinks I’m funny?

All IN

January 8, 2014

Tuesday January 7th, 2014 – Island Lake, IL

All in – or not in at all. That’s my attitude for turning my business around this year, and I’m on a mission to get it done – or at least lay the solid foundation. I don’t think it’s ever ‘done’, at least as long as there’s breath left in one’s lungs. When the list of things to do runs out, life has ended.

What I’m preparing myself to do is finally START living. I have mostly just existed until now, with a few highlights sprinkled in to keep a bullet out of my mouth. I’ve plugged into a far better vibe now, and feel a whole new me getting ready to emerge. It’s the me that I always imagined.

It’s all showing up much later in life than I thought, but that’s not the point. It’s happening, and that’s all that matters. Now it becomes a race against the clock to squeeze as much as I can out of all my experiences and use my knowledge to help as many as humanly possible. It’s my purpose.

I’m throwing everything I have right now into establishing a monthly newsletter. I put an entire day’s work into it today, and I’m sure there will be many more. It’s something I’ve needed to get to for several years, but the timing is finally right and I feel it. This will be a major step forward.

I did have a monthly newsletter for several years in the early 2000s. It was well received, and it was put out by my former business partner who ended up embezzling money which stopped it on a moment’s notice. That was a really unpleasant situation, but I have to say I’m glad it happened.

It’s taken literally years to get back to a point of relaunch, and they were shaky ones at that. I’d not recommend anyone else go through their educational process quite that way, but I know I am by far not the only one who has been stolen from. That was a bad situation, but it didn’t kill me.

I was more than a little bitter about it at the time, and looking back I think I had the right to be. That’s not a good reason though, and it only hurt me and put me farther behind. Whatever he did he did, and it won’t ever change. He lost more than I did, and I don’t wish him anything hurtful.

There are too many other good things to focus on, and that’s what I’m choosing to do. Getting this together is going to be a major outlay of time and effort, and it will cost at least some money too. That’s an investment, and one I’m prepared to make because it will pay off and then some.

Quality contacts are the most important part of anyone’s life, and I intend to be in the very top .0001 percentile on the planet of maintaining my list. I was looking over my list today, and there are some outstanding people on it I haven’t had interaction with in years. There’s no excuse for it and starting immediately I won’t let it continue. I am going to keep working at this until I croak.

And when that happens, if there indeed is a next life hopefully I’ll have a solid foundation laid to be already connected when I get there. This is truly the path to wealth, and I finally realize that after all these years. I’m going to treat my contact list like gold, and I know it will do it in return.

I sorted every one of my email list into people I want to keep in contact with, and those I don’t. I’m going to weed out a few weenies, because they’re energy suckers and I don’t want to have to endure that anymore. Hopefully they won’t even realize they’ve been trimmed, but if so too bad.

Again, life is a giant numbers game. We all have a limited amount of time to do as much as we can with it. Life’s clock is constantly ticking for everyone. I for one vehemently refuse to tolerate idiots gaining unlimited access to my inner circle thereby robbing myself and others of our time.

I looked up the exact estimated population of the Earth and as of this writing it’s 7,139,249,500 and rising by the second. Even if the seven BILLION number were taken away, there would still be more people than any one person could handle in a lifetime. We need to choose contacts well.

After compiling my personal master list of email addresses and business cards of people I like and respect, my grand total is around 1000. That’s an inaccurate number right now, as some have multiple entries and I’m not sure what their current contact info is. That’s all part of the process.

I’m sure it will take a few months to work the bugs out of even sending something out in larger quantity. My pit crew Eric is working on getting the process going, and I’m terrible at that sort of thing so I know I need help. I’m sure my web guy Mark Filwett of Lake County Geeks will help as well. Mark is fantastic, and if you need web help he’s reasonable.

Between the three of us, we’ll fart around with it until we find a system that works. Then, I plan on making this as much a part of every month as paying bills and/or changing underwear. That’s obviously a joke. I don’t pay bills every month. But I’m not joking about polishing my contacts.

EVERY business needs to be on top of this, but I’m sure most aren’t. Who has time to do all of this petty little sorting of emails and writing content and deciding on templates, blah blah blah? It isn’t the most exciting project I’ve ever taken on – at least not yet. But I fully realize what I’ll get by doing it correctly so that keeps me going. I’m willing to suffer through it now for the payoff.

This is all time well spent, but it’s still time that needs to be spent. I have been pounding away at my computer for hours at a time until my back and neck hurts, but that’s how to get it done. If I’d been smart enough to pick right back up after my ex partner pulled his little stunt, I wouldn’t have to jump start it from absolute zero. I didn’t do that, so here I sit. I’m behind, and I know it.

The good thing is, I can feel the positive energy flow as I get this going. I look at the list of all the good people I’ve been out of touch with, and I know most if not all will be delighted to hear from me. Hopefully they’ll be in as good a mental space as I am now, and we’ll be able to either continue where we left off or better yet build something better. I’m looking forward to reconnect.

I’m also looking forward to building lots of new contacts and keeping them for life. There’s an outstanding book by Harvey Mackay I once read called “The Harvey Mackay Rolodex Network Builder” that really had some helpful ideas. I think I still have it, and if not I’ll go find it again.

I also plan on modeling myself after the best networkers I have encountered. Without a doubt, I have to say Tom Dreesen is the best networker in the standup comedy game. He knows everyone who is anyone, and I can’t think of anyone that doesn’t like and respect him. He’s so on top of it.

If I can be half as connected as what Tom Dreesen and Harvey Mackay are, I will do more than alright. I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I’m not backing down. I said I was all in, and I am.

Harvey Mackay wrote a great book about networking. I read it years ago, but it's time to read it again.

Harvey Mackay wrote a great book about networking. I read it years ago, but it’s time to read it again.

If there's anyone better at networking in the standup comedy world than Tom Dreesen, I have yet to meet that person. Plus, he's a super nice person.

If there’s anyone better at networking in the standup comedy world than Tom Dreesen, I have yet to meet that person. Plus, he’s a super nice person.

Eric Feinendegen is an accomplished speaker in his own right, and my 'pit crew' in relaunching my monthly newsletter. He knows if he embezzles from me he might not have all those nice teeth of his, so we're on the same page.

Eric Feinendegen is an accomplished speaker in his own right, and my ‘pit crew’ in relaunching my monthly newsletter. He knows if he embezzles from me he might not have all those nice teeth of his, so we’re on the same page.

Mark Filwett does amazing work if you happen to need anything web related. He's my go to geek. If you need one, look him up and tell him I sent you!

Mark Filwett does amazing work if you happen to need anything web related. He’s my go to geek. If you need one, look him up and tell him I sent you! He’s reasonable, reliable and I get no referral fee.

I'm making plenty of room for her in my network. I hope she's aware of it.

I’m making plenty of room for her on my monthly contact list. In fact, I may have to clear two spaces. That’s ok. I’ll handle it.

Way Below Zero

January 8, 2014

Monday January 6th, 2014 – Island Lake, IL

If I ever have a chance to meet Al Gore in person, there better be an extra set of Secret Service agents on duty because I want a piece of that halfwit. I want to ball up both fists and make it rain bolo punches on his skull until one of us drops from exhaustion. Global warming me frozen arse.

These are the winters I remember so well growing up in Milwaukee. Walking to school when it hurts to breathe is a memory no kid should have. I thought I was exaggerating how cold it was all those years, but I knew as soon as I stepped out the door this morning I had remembered it right.

I had to take my rental car back today, and the engine barely turned over. I had to try five or six times, but it eventually started. It took about twenty minutes for the heater to get up to speed, so I waited inside until I saw the solid sheet of ice melt from the windshield. This is as cold as it gets.

What made it worse was that I had to do it all over again with my car when I got to Enterprise. I also had to clean a foot of snow off the top, so that kept me warm and busy as I waited for their guy to inspect my rental to make sure I hadn’t been using it to transport cocaine or nuclear waste.

The world was a giant Popsicle all day as people left their cars running in hopes they wouldn’t have to use their AAA. I would hate to be a tow truck driver today on one hand, but on the other it would be raining money day and night. This is the kind of weather that makes people relocate.

The last few winters have been downright balmy compared to this one, and it’s only barely into January. This could hang on until April, and it just might. And to think I was in Tucson just days ago where people were actually bellyaching at night because it had gotten down to – gasp – 55!

Personally, I don’t mind the cold if I don’t have to be out in it. I took care of my car issues and went straight home to work on putting together an email newsletter to hopefully be sent out next Monday January 13th. I haven’t had one in several years, and it’s high time I get it started again.

I think it’s a great idea to touch people with a newsletter, but there’s a fine line between doing good business and being a human mosquito. I never want to annoy people, but I don’t think once a month is out of line. It’s a great way to keep my name out there with bookers, friends and fans.

I’ve been studying a lot of newsletters of late, and there are some very good ones. I don’t know how long it will take me to get to their level, but if I don’t start I’ll never have the chance. I need to just get something OUT, and I like the idea of making the 13th of the month my personal day.

Most people send one on the 1st, and that gets cluttered. I subscribe to several myself, and it’s a chore trying to read them all at once. Hopefully mine will slide under the radar and stand out. I’d also like it to stand out because of quality content, and that’s another thing I’ve been working on.

I sketched out an outline for the entire year. I intend to write a short humor article every month and also a ‘how to’ article for my students. I also will include any actual news that happened for the month, and a complete schedule of where I’ll be in the near future. This is exactly what to do to start the year right, and my pit crew Eric Feinendegen and I intend to have it out by Monday.

Hey Genius, it was -14 in Chicago today. I can think of a MUCH better place for you to put that thumb.

Hey O brilliant genius, it was -14 in Chicago today. I can think of a MUCH better place for you to put that thumb.