Missing A Mrs.

Sunday January 19th, 2014 – Gurnee, IL

Today happens to be the birthday of not one but a nefarious pair of women that managed to get where few ever have and slither their way into my heart only to stomp on it like a bushel of wine grapes. I don’t know if I believe in astrology or not, but having a pair of women born on the very same day who scorched me that badly seems like more than coincidence but who can prove it?

I’m the first to painfully admit my track record is beyond horrific when it comes to women and relationships, but most of it is due to the fact I’ve had so many other problems to deal with in life I never had a chance. I knew in my head I wasn’t ready, and wanted to wait until I knew I was.

I had no idea it would take this long, but I’m finally in a place I feel comfortable opening up to a woman and really sharing my life. That’s what I always thought a marriage should be, even if I didn’t have any close to me to model. My grandparents who raised me fought worse than Packer and Bear fans, and my biological parents should never have had one much less a trio of children.

I was always afraid of not only behaving like my loutish father to my wife, but especially being mean to even one child. I’m at the age now where most people are preparing for grandchildren if they don’t already have them but I haven’t even been engaged to anyone. I’m way off the charts.

I know I could have forced the issue and gone through the motions, but that would have spelled disaster with a capital ‘D’ in the biggest font ever used. Looking at how my life has gone to date, I can’t see any of the women I’ve known staying with me through those ugly times. I’m sure I’d be divorced by now, and who knows how many kids I’d be disappointing? That wasn’t my style.

Now it’s different. I’m feeling a whole new groove starting, and I can totally picture myself in a healthy and mutually beneficial relationship with a functional woman. Someone divorced isn’t a problem at all depending on the situation, and neither are kids. I love them, and most love me.

Coming at it from this angle at this age brings a whole different set of circumstances than it did in my younger years when I had something to prove to everyone – including myself. I don’t have that need anymore, and in fact I’m pretty happy with the way I turned out. I may be a little rough around the edges in places, but there’s a good heart inside and some woman will get a good man.

I may not be Brad Pitt, but I’m not The Elephant Man either. I’m just a guy on the outside, but on the inside I’m a giant teddy bear. That’s what one of the two ice queens who are having their birthday today used to tell me, and then she dropped the bomb. Nice guys seem to get the shaft.

I do think there’s a quality woman out there for me, but where she is I don’t know. I don’t want to start joining dating services and play that game if I don’t have to. I’m asking the universe for a woman that is at least partially sane and doesn’t look like she spent thirty years on a chain gang.

A few weeks ago I wrote a letter to a woman I had the extreme hots for in the ‘80s. She didn’t even answer my note, so I’m assuming she’s not interested. One down, the rest of the females on the planet to go. No worries. It’s her loss. I’m in the best mental space I’ve ever been, and I think that should help attract the right one for me right now. I’m putting it out there, and letting it go.

I might not be Brad Pitt…

…But I’m not Herman Munster either.

I might not get her…

…But I don’t want her either. Is there a happy medium somewhere?

I’ve always liked brunettes. Hear that, universe?

But blondes are ok too.

Advertisement

The Polish Princess

Saturday December 28th, 2013 – Tucson, AZ

I’m still riding sky high and then some from all that’s been happening in the last few days, but I’m not naïve enough to think my problems are over for good. Life will still go on – troubles and all – and I’ve still got lots of work to do in a lot of areas. The thing that will make it better is that I will finally have an opportunity to live my life without the tumor that’s been there for so long.

I called my radio friend Max Bumgardner to tell him what’s been developing. Max is a dented can too, and we’ve really bonded because of it. He totally gets my situation, and I get his. We’ve often talked each other off of the ledge, but today I called to tell him how thrilled I was that all of this is happening. I couldn’t get through it without weeping openly, but they were all tears of joy.

There is such strong emotion here, it’s almost scary to talk about it. These feelings run so deep I’m not sure where they end. These are feelings we’re all born with, and the need to bond with a family is something we all share. When it’s been amputated early, there’s a lot of damage done.

This all feels so good I can’t fully describe it in words. Even if it blows up in my face – and for all I know it totally could – I’m not going to let it defeat me. I don’t think it will at all, but I have a thick skin about it since it’s been a source of pain for so long. I assumed it would be permanent so this is nothing but a huge bonus. I am loving every second of it, and it’s been a blissful event.

The other thing that’s been missing in my life is the closeness of a family of my own. Now that the healing process has begun on one end, the next step will be to find someone with whom I can build a lasting love relationship. I’ve always been guarded in this area, and the reason is obvious.

That blockage is gone now, so there’s no excuse for me not to have someone special in my life to share my adventure with. I’m not sure who it will be, but I know there’s someone out there for me and I’m putting it out there to allow it to happen. I never thought it was possible for what has begun to happen with my siblings, but it has. If that can take place, anything else is a possibility.

When I was about 21, there was a girl named Kim who worked at a bank that totally did it for me. She was 18, and what a knockout. She had beautiful eyes, a mane of hair that always looked great and a dazzling smile. She was a Polish girl, and had a pair of pierogis that were hypnotic.

I was totally smitten, and would wait in line at the bank to have her wait on me. Sometimes the line would move to where I’d miss her, but then I’d pretend I forgot to fill out my deposit slip or something and go back to the end of the line so I’d get to talk to her. Geeky yes, but so worth it.

Through the miracle of Facebook, I was able to reconnect with Kim a couple of years ago, and we’ve written back and forth and even talked on the phone a few times. She’s divorced with two beautiful kids, and of all the women I’ve ever met she’d be my first round draft choice if I had to choose just one. She still looks great, and there’s just something about her that rattles my cage.

I wrote her a letter and told her of what’s going on in my life. I’m not sure what her situation is but I told her if she’s single I’d love to get together at least for lunch and just talk a little. Maybe she’ll blow me off, but that’s ok. If it’s not her, someone will eventually say yes. I’m ready now.

When I was 21, the hottest woman I ever saw was a Polish girl who worked at a bank in Milwaukee.

Christmas For One

Tuesday December 24th, 2013 – Chicago, IL/Rolla, MO

Here comes the tough stretch, and I’m gritting my teeth looking to just plow through it and get ready for 2014. It’s only two more days, but these are the hardest of all. These are supposed to be the best days of the year, but for me they’re the worst torture I can imagine. It’s gas on the fire.

What would stop the pain would be a family of my own to love and that would love me back. I have been searching for that my whole life, but the older I get the farther away it seems. I got off course early in my trip, and I’m wandering in the woods trying to find life’s highway but I can’t.

I’ve always felt like the outsider, and I still do. Other people’s lives just seem to work out, but I have to struggle like hell just to survive. I know other people struggle too, but it’s a different type of fight. I never felt like anyone was in my corner other than my grandfather but he died in 1981.

Some unconditional love would be SO sweet right now, but I have no idea where to go to get it or I would have years ago. I try to help people whenever I can, because I know in my heart I will not screw those people over. I make an effort to be nice to those who I don’t have to just because that’s what I’m looking for in my own life. It’s the Golden Rule theory, but where is the return?

I have a very delicate psyche when it comes to relationships. I have a hard time putting myself out there emotionally because it hurts so much to get my heart stomped on. There’s a woman I’m totally smitten with, and she took a big steamy bowel movement all over my life and I’m hurting even more than usual. My self esteem was shaky before, but this kicks it right down the sewer.

I’ve known her for many years, and we’ve gotten along really well. Things were going so well that I thought she may finally be ‘the one’. She said she wanted to travel, and I asked her to come to Tucson with me and she said yes. Then she went back with some guy she was with before and that was it. She stopped talking, texting and calling and it was like I never existed. I am history.

All I want is a solid woman to build a great relationship with that can give me a feeling of what I always thought life should be and what I see others around me have. There’s some vibe missing that I must not have been born with, or it’s so deeply buried it’s not getting out there to attract it.

I know a lot of women that I like, but they’re either married or with someone else or they don’t want anything to do with me. Casual dating is great, but I’d really like to find one that I can build something with before I’m either dead or too old to enjoy anything. I’m not looking for a partner to eat oatmeal with at the old folks’ home. I want someone to be able to share my life adventures.

That’s not an easy match in my case. It’s like trying to find a leprechaun riding a unicorn at the end of a rainbow. I’m such an eccentric wackadoo, I’m not the average run of the mill singles ad type. I’ve had a very unusual life, and taken a rare path most never try. That makes it even harder to find someone that will be willing to be with me through thick and thin. It’s time for the thick.

If I’m going to do anything at all, it’s going to be in the next little stretch. I’ve paid dues upon dues, and the slot machine of life is full and ready to hit a jackpot. It won’t mean a thing without someone special to share it with, but right now that doesn’t feel like it’s ever going to happen.

I don’t write about this subject very often, only because people take it upon themselves to have to play matchmaker and try to ‘fix me up’. What a nightmare. They find the most beat up old war horse that happens to be single and think because I’m the ‘nice guy’ I’ll make the perfect match.

It’s a funny premise for comedy, but SO not fun to live through in person. I have had countless encounters set up by ‘friends’ that have been disasters from the first ten seconds. I can’t believe I am so low on their list they’d think I’d be interested in dating a sea hag like that. It’s a big insult.

My cousin Brett has a similar problem. We talk about it all the time. The women he dates have traditionally been psychotic nut jobs because there’s some vibe we put off from growing up how we did that attracts that into our lives. We say we don’t want it, but subconsciously we attract it.

I don’t want to go through analysis for years, because I don’t have time or money for that. All I want is to meet a woman that trips my trigger and wants to be with me. There are women that are one of those, but that’s not enough. The magic lottery winner has to have both. So where is she?

Part of the reason it’s been so difficult is that I’ve been constantly traveling for thirty years. It’s hard enough to have a ‘normal’ relationship, but put a full road schedule between it and it’s over before it starts. That’s one of the reasons I got into radio. I wanted ‘stability’. Ha! There’s a joke.

In all the radio jobs I’ve had, I would meet a nice woman and start dating for a few months. It would be going fine, but then out of the blue I’d get fired and have to move and it would be over. It’s been a lifetime of this, and I didn’t bring a solid family background to begin with. That’s the reason I’m still single, and it’s getting really lonely. I do want to find someone, but it’s SO hard.

Most women want stability, and I totally get that. Unfortunately, I’ve been anything but that as long as I’ve been alive. I’m never going to be a 9 to 5 corporate slug, and I surely don’t have the skills to be a plumber or a mechanic or anything close to that kind of gig. I live the creative life.

It would be nice to find someone in that field, but that’s probably asking for trouble. We’d both have the same strengths and weaknesses, and that would be bad. This last woman I like was not a creative type at all. She has a stable job, owns a house and is the exact opposite of my whole life.

Maybe that’s why I liked her so much, but it just felt like we clicked. I guess she wasn’t feeling it like I was, so here I sit alone for another Christmas. I make all kinds of people laugh the whole year, then they go have fun with their families on Christmas and I am alone with all my thoughts.

This morning I sat in with my old radio partner Spike Manton as he filled in on WGN radio in Chicago. Actually it was WGN.fm, but it will still fun. Wouldn’t you know it, the topic that was brought up was relationships. It was an ice pick to the heart, but I opened up and talked about the torture of trying to be an entertainer and find a mate. The crew found it funny, but I was in pain.

Then I got in my rental Nissan SUV and headed west for Tucson. I’m going to have some time to clear my head and think about what to do next. I got to Bloomington, IL and saw the stores all closing and knew those people were going to be with their families. I gassed up and kept driving. I made it to Rolla, MO and got a cheap hotel room. This is not what I envision Christmas to be.

“Dear Santa…”

Here’s another one on my list.

Ho Ho Holy Guacamole! There has to be ONE woman on this planet that likes nice guys. RIght? Where is she?

Charles Manson – Chick Magnet?

Monday December 2nd, 2013 – Island Lake, IL

One of the cruelest and most vicious jokes life plays that I fail to find the least bit funny or can ever begin to figure out is why every woman I am even the least bit attracted to likes “bad boys”. I have never been, am not that now, and don’t see myself being one in the future – and it stinks.

What reminded me of this sobering fact – and not that I needed to be – was a recent news story where Charles Manson apparently has a 25 year old girlfriend who wants to marry him in prison. She moved across the country to be near him, and she visits him regularly every weekend. Puke.

Unfortunately, this is nothing new. Infamous serial killer ‘The Night Stalker’ Richard Ramirez allegedly had numerous women writing him in prison with marriage proposals as did Ted Bundy. My father was a complete ass, yet he managed to put my step mother under his abusive spell and they stayed together for decades. He beat her and treated her like dirt, but she would never leave.

I just don’t get it. What in the female psyche is attracted to this like a moth to a flame? Do they not realize the flame will destroy the moth if it gets too close? Apparently there is a gene in their DNA that I just don’t have. I love to treat women like queens – but that’s never what they want.

How many women have I lost out on because I’m “just not interesting”? Damn that hurts, but it has happened again and again. I had a woman I wanted to marry many years ago, but she wanted ‘stability’. Fair enough. My lifestyle is pretty transient, and I saw her point. Then I ran into her at a show just a few years ago and the ‘stable’ guy she married had dragged her through the ringer.

Am I happy this happened? Of course not, but I’m also not surprised. I may not be ‘interesting’ to women, but at least I’m loyal and trustworthy. Excuse me for thinking that’s how I’d expect to be treated by a mate and want to do it in return. Apparently, Mother Nature has a different idea.

Charles Manson is getting stalked by a 25 year old chickie in his golden years, and I’m not able to land a desirable mate to save my life. The women that show interest in me just aren’t ones that I am interested in, and I can’t figure it out. Out of seven billion people living, I can’t find ONE?

There is one woman I’ve known for years that I’ve always thought was ‘the one’. She’s got all the tools I like, and I’m absolutely gaga over her. She’s gorgeous, has a great job, is smart, funny and a non smoker. I melt when I’m near her, and I asked her out years ago. She said then that she “still had feelings for her old boyfriend” so I backed off. That was probably my biggest mistake.

We still stayed in contact for years, and have seen each other quite a bit on a platonic basis. I’m extremely fond of her, and we get along great. We go out to eat and talk, and if I had to narrow it down to one woman on the entire planet it would totally be her. I felt like I wasn’t in her league.

Then recently I met her ex, and now they’re hot and heavy again. He’s an oafish lout, and talks like a farmer with “dese, dem and dose”. THIS is who she wants? I realize I’m no Brad Pitt, but this goof is a total rube and I am flabbergasted that of all the men on Earth she chooses him. This cycle has gone on forever, and it stings like hell. It rips my heart out by the roots to know she has fallen for this mook – AGAIN – but I can’t change it. I’ll never be that bad boy hot women want. I give up.

“Chick Magnet” Charles Manson. What father wouldn’t be proud to have his daughter hook up with a celebrity?

Here’s the happy couple enjoying a romantic moment in prison. Will someone please just shoot me in the head and get it over with?

Hey ladies! Here’s another catch you missed out on.

I might dream of Heather Locklear…

…but I wind up with Heather Loch Ness. Very funny, unless it’s you.