Barbecued Buttocks

Thursday November 7th, 2013 – Ft. Atkinson, WI

There has been an incredible fire lit directly under my buttocks, and I am motivated like I can’t ever remember. The main ingredient in that fire is fear. If I don’t get myself making money soon I’m going to have some really rough times ahead – as if I haven’t had to deal with any until now.

I have sacrificed my entire adult life to hone my craft, and now it’s time for a payoff. It’s like a farmer taking his crops to market. Whatever it took to get those crops planted, watered, grown to maturity and then harvested is all history. All that matters is how much he can get for his supply.

I’ve got more than one crop to sell, and that’s a plus. I have a rock solid standup comedy show that I can perform to a wide variety of audiences from clubs to cruise ships to a corporate setting. I have never been a ‘saloon act’, and that’s going to be a huge help. It’s not where the money is.

Theatres and nicer venues have always been what I aspire to, and whenever I’ve been fortunate enough to play them I feel totally at home. I played some sweet venues in 2003 when I competed in the San Francisco Comedy Competition, and that has always stayed with me as what I wanted on a much more regular basis. The mythical smoky nightclub has never been where I want to be.

That’s why I totally love doing my ‘Schlitz Happened!’ show at Northern Lights Theatre in the Potawatomi Casino in Milwaukee. That’s exactly the kind of venue I picture, and everything that I need comes with it. The lights and sound are as good as it gets, and the staff couldn’t be nicer.

They have an advertising budget, and it’s a venue everyone has heard of. This is where to be in my opinion, but there are a lot of comedians who enjoy the bar gig scene. It’s home to them, and I’ll gladly let them have it. I want to focus on performing in venues where I get paid a lot better.

Another crop I have to sell is radio content. I have paid my dues there too, and can either host a show myself or be a funny sidekick. I’ve got years of hands on experience doing both, and would be able to walk right in to any radio station in North America to start a job tomorrow. I’m ready.

Cruise ships are another arena I’ve had experience and paid some dues. It was a big adjustment at first, but I was able to really improve in a short time, mainly because I had so much experience to draw from. None of it came easy, but sometimes farmers have a hard time nurturing their crop. There might be drought or flood or locusts or who knows what? It doesn’t matter. That’s history.

If I can just hang in there, I have to believe the future looks quite bright. I know I’m able to do the big shows – whatever it happens to be – but now I need someone to give me my shot. That’s the next step, and I’ve been putting the word out with as many people as I can reach in these last couple of days. I’m in touch with a major radio station in Chicago, and a cruise ship booker also.

I’m not going to keep doing what I’ve been doing forever, but I did have a show tonight in Fort Atkinson, WI at a bar called ‘Fat Boyz’. I’ve been there a couple of times before, and had a good time. It’s an older crowd, and they love comedy. There were about 60 people in there, and it was a fun show in addition to being a much appreciated payday on a Thursday night. I’d much rather be doing theatres, cruise ships and radio, and as hot as the fire feels on my buttocks I’ll get there.

There has been a fire lit under my buttocks.

Like a farmer, I have worked hard to develop my crop. Now it’s time to get my payoff for a lifetime of paying dues.

If you’re in Milwaukee in December, come see “Schlitz Happened! An Old Milwaukee Blatz From The Pabst” at Northern Lights Theatre! http://www.paysbig.com

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Watered Down Thoughts

Sunday August 8th, 2010 – Kenosha, WI

I’m in a low mood and I really shouldn’t be. But I am. I’m trying to figure out what did it but I don’t think it was just one thing. It’s a lot of little things coming together, but they add up and now I’m feeling lower than a cricket‘s pecker. I hope I’m not in another funk.

Part of it is deep down I really don’t want to go out on the ship, especially for as long as I’m going. I really do appreciate the work and everyone there has been wonderful to work with, it’s just that the timing seems to be wrong. I would have loved this ten years ago.

Even five years ago when I got fired from the radio gig at The Loop. I had money saved then, and I would have saved more and been sitting pretty right now and not had to really do much of anything I didn’t want to do. I think I would have appreciated it a lot more.

I still do, and I’ll get to see some exotic places, even if it is in the dead of summer when it’s as hot as it gets. If I’m lucky, I’ll get some additional bookings at the peak times when it’s winter in the north. Eventually, I hope to be able to schedule myself whenever I want.

I guess a lot of it boils down to freedom too. Money equals freedom of choice. I had the world by the t’aint just a few years ago, and I really didn’t know it. I was totally debt free when I went to Salt Lake City in 2000, and that’s when everything started to disintegrate.

I had a nice radio gig making $50K a year, not great for a morning show in that size of a market, but very good for a cockroach like me used to piecing weeks together. I also did a lot of comedy out there, and lived off of that money and banked 100% of my radio salary.

I had a nice apartment a mile from where I worked and a nice girlfriend and a shiny red Cadillac I paid cash for and life was on the up. I was saving money every week, then I got snaked into buying a house. That’s when it all came crashing down. Hard. It took a while, but eventually I lost the job and the house went a few months later. I’ve struggled since.

Then I got the job at The Loop which turned things in a good way again. I started saving the radio money and again living on my comedy gigs. That turned things around in a short time, and life was again on the upswing. I was used to living like a bug and was in heaven knowing my car was paid for and I was putting money away every week. That’s success.

I had zero debt and $40K in the bank and was just ending my first year and hoping we’d get signed to our second contract, which we would have done if the company hadn’t been sold. Instead of showing us respect, they showed us the door and it hasn’t been anywhere close to the same since. My partners Max and Spike have had to struggle just as I have.

That was five years ago now, and it’s never going to come back. I didn’t think it would at the time, but I sure didn’t expect it to play out like it did. I’ve had to piece and paste all my life together month by month, trying to find the next somewhat steady gig. It looks to be the cruise ships, so I won’t complain. I’ll be grateful and go in and give my best work.