Where’s Allen Funt?

Saturday April 26th, 2014 – Island Lake, IL

This was the Saturday off I didn’t know I had until two days ago, and I chose to shut my mouth and just work through it. Complaining about it isn’t going to change anything, and it’s more than just one lost gig that’s the problem. It took years to get to this point, and I am really in a corner.

I didn’t choose the safe route in life – if there even is one. What I chose was the adventure trail, and that’s exactly what I got. There were a few thrills along the way, but I trusted everything that I had always read about “do what you love and the money will come” and “everyone with talent will eventually get their shot.” I’m losing hope about all of that faster than the Cubs lose games.

It just floors me how nice people get crapped on time and time again. It’s not just me, and I see it so much it makes my gag reflex go off. How about at least a LITTLE break for the people that have kind souls? I’m just not seeing it anywhere, and it sure makes me question life’s existence.

The whole God thing is a very sore spot with me. We all want to have one, just like as children we all wanted a Santa. I have to believe even Jews and Muslim kids were up for a guy that brings them free toys. What kid wouldn’t love that? Then we find out it’s all a lie, and it’s devastating.

I am seeing the whole God vs. “The Devil” scenario the same way. I used to believe there was a God and I hoped to go to “heaven” after I died. Then one day – just like my grandpa predicted I would – I woke up and realized it was a bigger made up tale than Santa. But I wasn’t devastated.

It just makes me wonder, why all this huge potential on such a beautiful planet filled with such monkeys but most never gets fulfilled? It might make sense someday, but I don’t think it will for the living. If there is indeed a “next life” – and I’m having severe doubts – I guess we’ll find out.

The latest example that makes me scratch my head is a friend of mine that is a former comedy student. I can’t think of a more gentle soul, and I know a lot of people. He has always supported me and said kind words at every opportunity. He loves comedy, and just enjoys being around it.

I won’t mention his name because I don’t want to get him in trouble, but he’s going through an absolutely hellacious divorce and isn’t allowed to see his son. It’s ripping him up, and I can’t see how this happens to such a laid back nice guy. If anything, he should be asked to talk to the sons of countless scoundrel fathers who never get the time of day from their old man. They need him.

And don’t get me started on women liking “bad boys”. The last woman I really cared for threw me aside like a bag of lawn clippings for some greasy maggot that will cheat on her without any guilt. He told her he would, yet she fell for him anyway. I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t lived it.

And I know it’s not just me. It goes on all the time everywhere, and I’m begging for some kind of relief. Prove to me there is a God and all of this is just a big joke. At the end of our life we get taken to a big room and St. Peter looks mysteriously like Allen Funt, and all our friends are there to greet us. I said I wasn’t going to complain, but I guess I did. Oh well, nobody hears it anyway.

I’m showing my age, but Allen Funt hosted a TV show called “Candid Camera” when I was a kid.

Hopefully if there is a next life, Allen will play the comedic role of St. Peter, and tell us this life was all an elaborate prank.

Leo Durocher was right about ‘nice guys’ finishing last. Why does life work like that?

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Charles Manson – Chick Magnet?

Monday December 2nd, 2013 – Island Lake, IL

One of the cruelest and most vicious jokes life plays that I fail to find the least bit funny or can ever begin to figure out is why every woman I am even the least bit attracted to likes “bad boys”. I have never been, am not that now, and don’t see myself being one in the future – and it stinks.

What reminded me of this sobering fact – and not that I needed to be – was a recent news story where Charles Manson apparently has a 25 year old girlfriend who wants to marry him in prison. She moved across the country to be near him, and she visits him regularly every weekend. Puke.

Unfortunately, this is nothing new. Infamous serial killer ‘The Night Stalker’ Richard Ramirez allegedly had numerous women writing him in prison with marriage proposals as did Ted Bundy. My father was a complete ass, yet he managed to put my step mother under his abusive spell and they stayed together for decades. He beat her and treated her like dirt, but she would never leave.

I just don’t get it. What in the female psyche is attracted to this like a moth to a flame? Do they not realize the flame will destroy the moth if it gets too close? Apparently there is a gene in their DNA that I just don’t have. I love to treat women like queens – but that’s never what they want.

How many women have I lost out on because I’m “just not interesting”? Damn that hurts, but it has happened again and again. I had a woman I wanted to marry many years ago, but she wanted ‘stability’. Fair enough. My lifestyle is pretty transient, and I saw her point. Then I ran into her at a show just a few years ago and the ‘stable’ guy she married had dragged her through the ringer.

Am I happy this happened? Of course not, but I’m also not surprised. I may not be ‘interesting’ to women, but at least I’m loyal and trustworthy. Excuse me for thinking that’s how I’d expect to be treated by a mate and want to do it in return. Apparently, Mother Nature has a different idea.

Charles Manson is getting stalked by a 25 year old chickie in his golden years, and I’m not able to land a desirable mate to save my life. The women that show interest in me just aren’t ones that I am interested in, and I can’t figure it out. Out of seven billion people living, I can’t find ONE?

There is one woman I’ve known for years that I’ve always thought was ‘the one’. She’s got all the tools I like, and I’m absolutely gaga over her. She’s gorgeous, has a great job, is smart, funny and a non smoker. I melt when I’m near her, and I asked her out years ago. She said then that she “still had feelings for her old boyfriend” so I backed off. That was probably my biggest mistake.

We still stayed in contact for years, and have seen each other quite a bit on a platonic basis. I’m extremely fond of her, and we get along great. We go out to eat and talk, and if I had to narrow it down to one woman on the entire planet it would totally be her. I felt like I wasn’t in her league.

Then recently I met her ex, and now they’re hot and heavy again. He’s an oafish lout, and talks like a farmer with “dese, dem and dose”. THIS is who she wants? I realize I’m no Brad Pitt, but this goof is a total rube and I am flabbergasted that of all the men on Earth she chooses him. This cycle has gone on forever, and it stings like hell. It rips my heart out by the roots to know she has fallen for this mook – AGAIN – but I can’t change it. I’ll never be that bad boy hot women want. I give up.

“Chick Magnet” Charles Manson. What father wouldn’t be proud to have his daughter hook up with a celebrity?

Here’s the happy couple enjoying a romantic moment in prison. Will someone please just shoot me in the head and get it over with?

Hey ladies! Here’s another catch you missed out on.

I might dream of Heather Locklear…

…but I wind up with Heather Loch Ness. Very funny, unless it’s you.