The Word Of The Day

Saturday July 5th, 2014 – St. Charles, IL

The word of the day is gratitude, and I have absolutely nothing to complain about. As long as I had a paid booking in an acceptable venue – and I absolutely did – everything else fell into place. I was at Zanies in St. Charles, IL, and it pretty much met all of my 4th of July week expectations.

The only thing that didn’t live up to expectations was a bachelorette party, but they did it in the most wonderful way imaginable – they behaved themselves. Every comedian that has made their living for any significant amount of time at this insane game has had an obnoxious out of control bachelorette party make them question their vocational direction, as well as their very existence.

I am not the violent type by any means, but I have lost count at the times I have wanted to stop my show, grab the microphone stand like an ax handle and bash in each and every skull of every incessantly babbling boozed up bride to be, bridesmaid and Bride of Frankenstein as one group.

They can be maddening, and any experienced professional comedian will tell you they’d rather have rectal reconstructive surgery without anesthesia done with a rusty pizza cutter and a broken beer bottle. I know I would – and would welcome the relief rather than face a drunken hen party.

Tonight was different, and none of us could have been any more delighted. There was a couple right in front that started in right at the top of the show, but the host was Brian Hicks and he had it under control. Brian is an excellent comic and host, and handled it exactly as he should have.

By the time I got up we all thought it was over, but they started right in again before I even got to my first laugh. I didn’t expect that at all, so I jumped in their face a little and informed them it would not be wise to talk any more from there on out. They started in again and I said it again.

They reluctantly got the message, and everyone could see that I was not going to allow them to suck all the energy and attention out of the air. I was expecting to have to battle the bachelorette brigade, but they were never a problem. They laughed at all the right places, and were no trouble.

The last thing any of the comedians wanted was to do comedy combat. We all were fully aware of how lucky we were to be working this weekend, and we wanted to do our jobs, get our checks and go home peacefully. That’s what ended up happening in the end, so everyone was all smiles.

The bachelorette party ended up coming up to all of us after the show and got pictures with us. There was a smoking hot blondie that was just tipsy enough to be fun without being a stumbling wreck, and she dove for my lap and rubbed her charms all over me for a good twenty seconds.

It was very funny, not to mention a brief slice of heaven on Earth. She was really stacked, and I hadn’t seen her walk in with the party. It reminded me of a time when a bachelorette party had an enormous inflatable penis they passed up to the stage, and I ended up making it part of the show.

It was hilarious at the time, but someone was recording it and I know it’s out there somewhere. I’ll never be able to run for public office now, because that one video would get me kicked right out. Part of me kind of wants to watch it – but a bigger part wants to buy it back and destroy it.

This is the word of today – as it should be tomorrow and every day thereafter.

Advertisement

Hen Party Hell

Saturday May 3rd, 2014 – South Haven, MI

Night number three of the mini tour, and tonight’s stop in South Haven, MI was the only place of the three that I had performed before. When I was here last time, the crowd was excellent and I took no prisoners. Tonight wasn’t like that, and by the end of the night I felt like the prisoner.

Bachelorette parties have long been the bane of standup comedy, but for whatever reason they never stop coming. I have no idea why it appeals to them, but apparently it does and it’s rarely a good idea for anyone involved – especially comedians. Every one of us eventually battles this.

Tonight was a lost cause from the start, and I could tell when I walked in it was trouble. There were three separate parties in the room – all of them sitting directly in front. Red flag and a half. To make it harder, Jerry Donovan was not the host like he was the past two nights, and I knew I would have my work cut out. No rookie emcee can hope to fend off three bachelorette parties.

No offense to anyone, but ONE party gone astray can ruin a whole show much less three. It’s a disaster waiting to happen, and there’s not a whole lot anyone can do about it. Most venues don’t warn the parties to be quiet during the show, and those that do have it fall on deaf ears. They are usually drunk before they get there, and think it’s ok to be the center of attention the whole night.

Dealing with it from the stage can be maddening, and tonight it absolutely was. There was one particularly gassed up bimbo that would NOT shut her pie hole from the time the show started to the second I got off stage. I never knew I had so much admiration for Ike Turner until tonight.

She would ‘WOOOOO’ like Ric Flair after every joke, and it got to be completely annoying in a very short time. The opening acts were all very nice kids, but they had no idea how to deal with it other than to plow through their jokes. It threw all of them, and I see why. It’s very distracting.

What stinks the most is that the venues are making money off of them so they rarely if ever say or do anything to shut them up. They expect us to deal with it, and sometimes it’s just impossible no matter what we try. I was ready to take the mic stand and crack her skull in half like an egg.

I have absolutely ZERO patience and tolerance left for any of this insanity anymore. If this is what standup comedy is, I don’t want to be in this business anymore. ENOUGH already. I have battled enough drunks for a dozen lifetimes, and it’s like cancer – the one battling always loses.

They might hold out for a while, but the bigger force always wins. Battling cancer and drunks won’t stop either from happening again and again, and I for one am over it. If I didn’t have such respect for Jerry Donovan, I would have just placed the mic in the stand and walked off stage to my car and peacefully driven home. I just don’t have a need to fight through this useless idiocy.

I painfully plowed through my set, and by the end of the night I was about ready to take a hot bath and slit my wrists like Pantangeli in The Godfather Part 2. Phil Anglin came out to see me and that made it worse. He’s one of my most loyal fans, and he drove two hours to see the show. He brought his friend Joe, and they both thought I was great. I thanked them, but I felt SO low.

I guess they weren’t the only ones that liked the show. I had people lined up to tell me they’d really had fun, and Jerry’s wife reported to Jerry that it was a killer night. I sure didn’t see that from my perspective, but I’ll let them think what they think. Still, I loathe bachelorette parties.

Bachelorette parties are almost always hell for comedians. They never look like this…

….but frequently behave like this.

Comedian Tim Slagle has a classic comedy bit about bachelorette parties. http://www.timslagle.com.