Defining Crazy

Sunday March 30th, 2014 – Gurnee, IL

With all the hands on experience I have had wading through depression funks over a lifetime, I can always count on one thing on the other end – an extreme burst of creativity. It’s a lot like the shot in the arm Popeye gets when he eats his spinach. I have the same experience, and it’s great.

Is this proof positive I am a bipolar wackadoo? Maybe and in fact more than probably, but I’ve never denied I have a delicate balance in my psyche. Some may call it being a total kook, but I’m a creative type and all creative types have that certain degree of crazy. It goes with the territory.

There are also many definitions of “crazy”. Sometimes that word is used to describe those that think unconventionally and try new ideas. Edison and Einstein had it used on them I’m sure, and if they’re the standards of what the word means – sign me up. Crazy isn’t always a bad thing.

Then there are the Hitlers and Saddam Husseins of the world. That’s the dark side of the word, along with the Jim Joneses, Jeffrey Dahmers and so many more that I don’t even want to glorify with a mention. I think crazy is nowhere near strong enough to describe these insidious beasts.

I think it’s a waste of time to attempt to diagnose the problem. The fact is it’s there and I have been dealing with it for a lot of years. Medication scares the hell out of me, and I’ve spoken with more than one doctor about it through the years. People were nuts long before medicine arrived.

The only practical solution I see is to just keep working through it. Diet and exercise are a part of the program, and I’m the first to admit I haven’t been keeping up with that like I know I need to. I’ve had all I can handle to keep my bills paid, and I put all my focus into my work as of late.

Maybe that’s part of the reason for my recent dip, or maybe it was the places I worked that had small crowds and poor circumstances. Whatever the reason or combo platter thereof, I was really low for a while there, and when I get like that nothing matters. I get lost in a vacuous black hole.

I feel like I’m unplugged from the universe, and on the outside looking in. What I need to keep in mind when it happens again – and I don’t doubt it will – is that there is a creative surge on the other side if I can only wait it out. I should know that by now, but this last time I simply forgot.

Admittedly it had been a while since I slid through this nasty mud, but I’ve been there enough to have an idea of what to expect before, during and after. How shortsighted of me to forget the best part, but that’s how deep the darkness can feel sometimes. I’m feeling much better now, and all that really interests me is Uranus. I know in my deepest heart that’s the direction I need to go.

I don’t know how I know that, but I totally do and I’m going to follow my gut no matter what happens. I had dinner with my pit crew Eric Feinendegen tonight to talk about getting corporate type bookings, and even he’s on board. It’s the right time and the right place, and I feel it in my bones like nothing I have ever felt before. I may have to do some other things to survive while we get things going, but I’ve been doing that all along. This IS crazy – but in the positive way.

Was Einstein crazy? I’m sure he was called that often and by many. If that’s the definition, sign me up.

Call me crazy, but I’m risking my entire future on Uranus.

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Thrilling Boredom

Saturday November 3^rd, 2012 – Fox Lake, IL

   And the hits just keep on coming! Today I knocked out yet another chunk of work I’ve had full intention of getting to for months now but haven’t. I don’t think I’ve ever been on a big time roll like this and I feel like I’m winning my own personal Super Bowl or something. It feels ecstatic!

It wasn’t any monumental physical accomplishment that anyone else would be the slightest bit impressed by, but in my own little cockroach world I can hear angels singing and life is about as peachy as I could ever hope for. I know it sounds crazy, but I’ve never denied being a wackadoo.

All I did was spend a few hours sorting out mounds of paperwork, clothing and books I’ve had stacked up in my living and work area but it gave me an intoxicating feeling of taking full charge of my life and I absolutely love it. I wish I could explain why this is so important to me, but it is.

I wonder what Albert Einstein’s desk looked like. Was it messy or organized? Did he have any annoying piles of clutter that bothered him or impeded his creative process? What about anybody else who has accomplished anything noteworthy? I have to believe I’m not the only scatterbrain.

Planning and organization skills just haven’t been something I’ve naturally been good at. Ever. I’ve always gone with the flow and lived in the moment. Indiana Jones may be able to get away with that in the movies, but in real life it can be very inefficient. I’m working hard to get better.

True greatness is all about working on what one isn’t good at, and I’m putting a big dent in my ‘things to do’ pile. I’m taking a lot of clutter out of my life, and rearranging everything from the ground up. There’s a momentum building like I’ve never felt, and it’s nothing short of thrilling.

First it was addressing my tax situation, and then it was cleaning up my computer files. Today it was organizing my living and work spaces – oh and I cleaned my car out too. I always seem to have a backseat full of garbage from six road trips ago, and it looks like Oscar Madison’s room.

Not anymore. One thing is leading to another in a very good way, and I have no intentions of it stopping any time soon. Of course I had no intentions of ever letting it get this out of hand either, but at least I’m DOING something about it. Action is the only thing that will truly bring change.

I realize all of this is extremely boring to everyone else, but to me it lights a mighty fire deep in my soul. I’d love nothing more than to be able to write a daily diary about bedding centerfolds or climbing Mount Everest, but for now getting my taxes done and sorting socks will have to do. It might not be an exhilarating read, but it sure is sheer excitement to write. I feel like I’m winning.

I’m clearing out all the useless claptrap in my life to make room to do the really exciting stuff I always pictured myself doing. I want to pull off red hot comedy tours to packed houses and make people laugh until they can’t anymore. I want to focus all my creative energy on fun projects, not on sorting tax receipts. But if I don’t get that boring stuff done and out of the way, how can there be any room to do what really matters? I’m getting rid of my excuses, and that’s what feels great.