The Word Of The Day


Saturday July 5th, 2014 – St. Charles, IL

The word of the day is gratitude, and I have absolutely nothing to complain about. As long as I had a paid booking in an acceptable venue – and I absolutely did – everything else fell into place. I was at Zanies in St. Charles, IL, and it pretty much met all of my 4th of July week expectations.

The only thing that didn’t live up to expectations was a bachelorette party, but they did it in the most wonderful way imaginable – they behaved themselves. Every comedian that has made their living for any significant amount of time at this insane game has had an obnoxious out of control bachelorette party make them question their vocational direction, as well as their very existence.

I am not the violent type by any means, but I have lost count at the times I have wanted to stop my show, grab the microphone stand like an ax handle and bash in each and every skull of every incessantly babbling boozed up bride to be, bridesmaid and Bride of Frankenstein as one group.

They can be maddening, and any experienced professional comedian will tell you they’d rather have rectal reconstructive surgery without anesthesia done with a rusty pizza cutter and a broken beer bottle. I know I would – and would welcome the relief rather than face a drunken hen party.

Tonight was different, and none of us could have been any more delighted. There was a couple right in front that started in right at the top of the show, but the host was Brian Hicks and he had it under control. Brian is an excellent comic and host, and handled it exactly as he should have.

By the time I got up we all thought it was over, but they started right in again before I even got to my first laugh. I didn’t expect that at all, so I jumped in their face a little and informed them it would not be wise to talk any more from there on out. They started in again and I said it again.

They reluctantly got the message, and everyone could see that I was not going to allow them to suck all the energy and attention out of the air. I was expecting to have to battle the bachelorette brigade, but they were never a problem. They laughed at all the right places, and were no trouble.

The last thing any of the comedians wanted was to do comedy combat. We all were fully aware of how lucky we were to be working this weekend, and we wanted to do our jobs, get our checks and go home peacefully. That’s what ended up happening in the end, so everyone was all smiles.

The bachelorette party ended up coming up to all of us after the show and got pictures with us. There was a smoking hot blondie that was just tipsy enough to be fun without being a stumbling wreck, and she dove for my lap and rubbed her charms all over me for a good twenty seconds.

It was very funny, not to mention a brief slice of heaven on Earth. She was really stacked, and I hadn’t seen her walk in with the party. It reminded me of a time when a bachelorette party had an enormous inflatable penis they passed up to the stage, and I ended up making it part of the show.

It was hilarious at the time, but someone was recording it and I know it’s out there somewhere. I’ll never be able to run for public office now, because that one video would get me kicked right out. Part of me kind of wants to watch it – but a bigger part wants to buy it back and destroy it.

This is the word of today - as it should be tomorrow and every day thereafter.

This is the word of today – as it should be tomorrow and every day thereafter.

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