Scratching And Clawing


Monday April 14th, 2014 – Island Lake, IL

I don’t often give myself credit for a lot of things, but one thing I have always been able to do better than almost anyone is absorb an inordinate amount of life’s punches. I have had more than the average journeyman’s share of lumps to take starting from my earliest memories, and it’s not getting any easier. I know everyone has their own batch of problems, but not many are like mine.

I have never thought I was better than anyone else and I still don’t, but I do think that I’ve been able to last longer in the line of fire than almost anyone I know. It’s a wonder I am not constantly sucking a crack pipe or guzzling moonshine by the jug. Had I gone that route, I would be dead.

Sometimes when I’ve been at my lowest points, I would get a giddy feeling of impenetrability that made me feel like Superman’s big brother. I would laugh at everything that was crumbling around me, and march through the rubble to continue my journey. “Is THAT all ya got, life?”

Then there were other times that for no reason I’d just turn into a giant ball of nerve endings of the most sensitive kind, and any little thing would cause severe pain and agony. All I would want is to curl up in the fetal position and go to sleep for eternity. There has rarely been an in between.

At the moment, I’m feeling the in between. Part of me doesn’t care if I live or die this very day, but another part of me is laughing inside and mocking life for thinking it can defeat me. It’s quite an odd mix I admit, but it’s what I feel. It’s like I’m caught in between gears and stuck in neutral.

Inside there’s a lost little boy cluelessly wandering through life all by himself like he’s gotten left behind in a big Kmart and can’t find his parents or anyone to ask to make an announcement to look for them. It’s intimidating as hell, and I have no idea if I’ll ever find my way to safety.

There’s also a bad ass ape like creature in there that could stomp The Incredible Hulk in a fight with one arm tied behind his back. He is not afraid of man or beast, and has a crystal clear vision of what he wants and where he wants to go. He’s sitting alone in a cage, just waiting to cut loose.

All he needs is an invitation, but that’s the problem. Very few seem to know or care that he’s in there, and even though he would never do any harm those few that do seem to be deathly afraid of having him anywhere around. So there he sits, loaded with potential – but not using any of it.

I guess I’m just suffering from a total shortage of self esteem. Everyone wants to feel wanted by somebody, and I’m just not feeling it from anywhere right now. I scratch and claw furiously each week to barely stay afloat, and as humbling as it is to accept the world is not waiting on pins and needles for the King of Uranus to arrive. I’m going to have to scratch and claw that into life also.

Scratching and clawing is not what I want to be doing right now. Creating and enjoying would be much more to my liking. I’ve suffered enough – at least in my mind. At least a short run in the sun should be in order, shouldn’t it? I’ve hung in there this long, it would be a total shame not to score my payoff. I could really use a little shot in the arm from the universe right now. I’m tired.

Sometimes even now I feel like a lost little boy wandering through life with no direction or guidance.

Sometimes I feel like a lost little boy wandering through life without any direction or guidance.

Other times I feel like I'm bullet proof and can take anything life can dish out.

Other times I feel like I’m bullet proof and can absorb absolutely anything life can dish out.

It sure would be nice not to have to scratch and claw my way through each and every week. How about some relief soon?

It sure would be nice not to have to scratch and claw my way through each and every week. How about some relief soon?

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