Colder Outside, Warmer Inside


Friday January 3rd, 2014 – Texarkana, AR/Normal, IL

This long road trip has been exactly what I thought it would be, but a lot more too. I’ve had the chance to gather my thoughts and recharge my batteries, and also come to terms with all kinds of past issues that have been less than pleasant. Everything seems to be in place for my biggest run.

I’m still amazed at how far I’ve been able to go up until now, but now it feels like I will be able to finally run on all cylinders for the first time ever. That’s going to make all the difference in the world, and I predict dramatic results. I am not going to blow this now. I’ve had to wait too long.

I can’t stress enough that the main component that put everything over the top is the possibility of reconnecting with my siblings. I’ve wanted a connection with them since childhood, but it was not to be with me being raised by our grandparents and them living with my father and his wife.

We had some brief times together then, but it was forced and always awkward. That wasn’t the place to be children, and none of us ever were. We were forced to grow up way too fast, but now I am hoping we can all come together as adults and at least acknowledge what a mess it all was.

I’m not putting any pressure on any of us to do anything but just show up and begin the healing process. We’ve all got ugly memories to get over, but as for me just the chance of this happening has made all the difference. I feel like there has been a mountain of heaviness lifted from my life.

The one mistake I know I can’t afford to make is to allow bitterness to take over at any point. It would be all too easy to focus on what it would have been like if our lives hadn’t worked out like they did, but that’s never going to change so it’s wasted energy. It was what it was, and that’s it.

The future is what to focus on, and all the good I can do with whatever time I have left. I would love to cultivate some kind of positive nurturing relationship with Tammy, Larry and Bruce, but it’s not ever going to be what a full brother or sister relationship is. We’ve missed too much time.

Some time is better than none, and even a single meeting will be more than I thought could ever be possible. Even getting it to this point has been a remarkable dynamic life changing experience and opened myself up to all kinds of possibilities I never thought were there before. It’s amazing.

I thought about all of this as I drove from Texarkana, AR to Normal, IL and it helped make the drive fly by. I took I-30 through Arkansas and connected with I-40 in Little Rock. I kept heading east to Memphis, looking both to stay south as long as possible and also stop for a delicious plate of ribs at the famous Rendezvous restaurant by the Peabody Hotel. They’re always worth a trip.

Unfortunately, the restaurant is closed for renovations until January 10th. I climbed back in the car and started driving north, and could feel it getting colder each time I stopped to get gas. I had a nice little break, but now it’s back to the chill of winter – at least for now. It won’t be forever.

There are a lot of changes in store this year, most if not all of them positive. I feel I could have one more major move left in me, and this could be the year. Where should it be? I’ll leave that to the universe. It doesn’t really matter where I live. The vibe inside will be with me wherever I go.

One should never pass through Memphis without stopping at the world famous Rendezvous near the Peabody Hotel downtown.

One should never pass through Memphis without stopping at the world famous Rendezvous near the Peabody Hotel downtown.

It's pork so delicious, Jews an muslims would think twice. www.hogsfly.com.

It’s pork so delicious, Jews and Muslims would think twice. http://www.hogsfly.com.

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