A No Treat Halloween


Thursday October 31st, 2013 – Fox Lake, IL

It’s Halloween, and the trick is on me this year. This kidney stone thing is a living hell, and I’m helpless as to do anything about it. I am completely at the mercy of my urethra, and it is refusing to cut me any slack. I’ve been in pain all day, and I have no idea when relief is coming – if at all.

Everyone tells me it will eventually, and I’m sure they’re correct. But until it happens I am in a world of hurt I can’t ever remember feeling. This is a torture of the highest degree, and I wonder what people did in the old days? At least I have some medication to help make it a tiny bit better.

I can’t imagine being out on the prairie harvesting crops in this kind of pain. I’d suck the barrel of a musket a lot sooner than later if that were the case. No wonder those people were all dead by the time they were my age. But even with the modern conveniences of today, this is still a bitch.

To make it worse, I’ve been hearing from people all day with their homemade folk remedies to help pass the stone. I’ve heard everything from drink cranberry juice to lemonade to a mixture of both. It’s like hiccup remedies, everyone seems to have some kind of family tradition to pass on.

Several women I’ve talked to who have experienced both childbirth and kidney stones have all said that it’s at least a tie in the pain department. Not ONE has declared childbirth to be the clear cut winner yet, and that scares me even more. I can’t imagine what passing this thing will entail.

By all accounts, it will be a tiny little nugget half the size of a grain of rice. Depending on who I talk to, it will happen with little fanfare or it will feel like I’m trying to pee a bowling ball. I am very partial to my lower extremities and I’ve already experienced enough pain there for about six lifetimes. My groin area has been a magnet for mayhem since childhood. I can use a rest already.

It was bad enough when I had my surgery in 2011. That still gives me nightmares, as not many who walk this planet ever acquire gangrene on their genitals. That puts me in a club I don’t want to be in – kind of like Amway minus the soap. That surgery was enough hurt to last past eternity.

The only good thing with that one is that I have a great story to tell. I’ve told it on stage in the past, and it’s gotten the shocked reaction I was hoping for. People’s ears perked up and I had the undivided attention of the audience to hear what happened. Nobody is wowed by a kidney stone.

I’m not wowed by it myself, but it sure has gotten my undivided attention. I’m not able to sit or lie down for any length of time without flaming agony, and when I try to walk it makes it hurt all the more. It’s constant, unrelenting pain – much like enduring a ‘Lord of the Rings’ triple feature.

If I could gouge out the offending kidney and donate it to someone ‘as is’, I surely would. The doctor could scoop out the stone before installing it in the new owner, and everyone would be in a dandy mood. I’d pee out of the other side stone free, and someone in need would receive a gift.

Even though I’m in intense pain, I know I’m still very lucky. There are people who need to go to dialysis several times a week for example. Marty Beimer is a radio friend who had some nasty back surgery and is still hurting from it years later. That all trumps me, but this is still not a treat.

It's Halloween and I have a kidney stone. I sure hope it's 'fun size'.

It’s Halloween and I have a kidney stone. I sure hope it’s ‘fun size’.

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5 Responses to “A No Treat Halloween”

  1. Jeff Says:

    Dobie, welcome to the club. I have had four that have all required surgery to remove, and have two more on my left side waiting to bring me fun in the future.
    Funny how everyone has a “remedy”, but in my experience is none of the people offering advice has ever suffered through one. I actually flew home from vegas to indy with my first one. Longest flight in history of man. I did a show with last one, so jacked up on vicodin, dont remember it. Did almost two hour show lol
    Only advice i can give, is take as much vicodin, (only med that worked for me), if you can get morphin, take it, that is liquid gold, then take warm showers . But staying medicated is key.
    How long are they going to give you before they take it out surgically ?
    If you do have to do surgery, Dont do the basket “scoop” surgery, do the vibration surgery, With the basket scoop surgery the put in a stent, and I actually had to remove it myself. That sucked.
    My friends have discussed how many people in old days killed themselves when they had unpassable stones. Just think if they could manufacture it to make it a weapon for military, it would bring wars to a grinding halt.
    Hope it passes soon, or they do surgery monday. Jeff

    • dobiemaxwell Says:

      Hey Jeff, thanks for the kind words and insight. Yes, this is THE worst pain I have ever felt. They haven’t specified surgery, but I hope not because I am on the comedians’ infamous ‘100% deductible’ insurance plan. I’m SO screwed from my last surgery. I can’t imagine another.

      Hope yours clears up with minimal incident. I’d often heard of the agony of them, but now I’m in the club – and I don’t want to be in it. I’m sure you don’t either. I have drugs, but no vicodin. They gave me something, and it’s working pretty well. Then it wears off and I’m hurting again. 😦

  2. marty Beimer Says:

    I’ll take my back problems any day over the areas where you’ve had problems. First your sack and now this . Forget vicodin . You need to head to Chicago and score some smack.

    Marty

  3. funtwosay Says:

    Dobie, I am sorry for making the Sly Stone joke effort. I thought you were kidding. Man, I am truly Sorry I just read your “Dented Can Diary and I will not joke about the kidney stone again. jwj

    • dobiemaxwell Says:

      Hi James. It’s ok to make jokes. I’m not angry. But it will be a LOT funnier once I pass the damn stone. It feels like the Mothership is trapped in my bladder. 😉

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