A Human Armadillo


Sunday June 9th, 2013 – Fox Lake, IL

   Back up on life’s horse. I’ve been kicked off before, and will get it again. It’s not the end of the world to get blown out of that contest yesterday, but the way it happened was extra harsh. I drew a bad spot on a bad night, and that’s all it means. Everything else that led up to it doesn’t matter – at least not on paper. It just hurts to have put in all these years and get rejected one more time.

   An entertainer has to have a thick skin – almost to the point of being a human armadillo. We’re constantly getting stiffed, jilted and ignored from every angle, and it’s usually by someone who’s never been on a stage even one time. These ‘experts’ run the show, and we’re just pieces of meat to be bought, sold or traded like baseball cards. The ones with talent rarely get to call the shots.

   I read once where Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin lookalike contest and placed third. That doesn’t surprise me in the least. Even if that particular tale isn’t true, I’ll bet something like it has happened to a celebrity at some point. There are always glitches and snafus to overcome.

   The best thing to do is just laugh it off and keep moving. That’s very easy to say, but when one gets one’s ‘nads kicked with a steel toed work boot it tends to muddy the logical thought process at least temporarily. My goal has never been to win any contests of any kind. My goal is to find a way to have a career in show business rather than just a job. This was just a means to that end.

   Everybody takes lumps, it’s just that mine seem to be coming out of order. I’ve made it all the way through the thickest part of the jungle, and now I’m getting tangled in the short grass. That’s not how it’s supposed to work. I’m going to dust myself off and get back on some kind of a trail.

   If nothing else, I have the ideal set of problems. I’ve paid my dues and have some natural skills and I’m just one killer show away from going to a whole other level. That’s much better than the majority of everyone else who has little to no experience, but assumes they’re going to magically skip past that pesky ‘hard work and sacrifice’ part and shoot straight to stardom. Best o’ luck!

   Unfortunately, luck does play a role in show business success and it’s not a tiny one. It happens to be a major speaking role, and it has a lot to say as to who will or won’t catch all the necessary breaks required to launch a legitimate career. There are intangibles that have to happen at exactly the right time in the right order, and nobody can control it all. One either hits pay dirt or doesn’t.

   I don’t know if I will or I won’t, but if I do it’s been such a long wait it’ll be pay dust or even a fossil. I hope I hit something while I’m still young enough to enjoy solid foods. How Mr. Lucky would it be to finally have my ship come in but I’m too old to enjoy any of it? I don’t think steak tastes as good drinking it out of a blender, and even a Gucci colostomy bag wouldn’t be stylish.

   Although I didn’t especially feel like it, I crawled out of the rack early this morning and started immediately to work on my million dollar ideas. I spent two hours going through my curriculum for comedy classes so I can get a version online soon. I also spent two hours creating my ‘Schlitz Happened!’ blog to be used as content for the website. It’s www.schlitzhappened.blogspot.com.

  The life of an entertainer is always a matter of dodging bullets and searching for new routes that bypass clueless idiots in charge who clog the toilet for no good reason. Part of the game is trying to stay out of their circle of influence, but it’s tough because there are so many. It’s a big conflict inside to be both human and creative but also hard and callous enough to survive in the business.

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