Ticket Master


Thursday January 10th, 2013 – Eau Claire, WI

   Life sure has a coldhearted way of sucking all the wind out of someone’s sail. All that’s needed to let a person know without a doubt who’s in charge and really running the show is an event that pops up out of the blue to wave the cosmic finger of warning. I received one today and it stinks.

I’ve really gone out of my way to put forth a major effort to get myself in a positive mindset of late – especially for the New Year. I’ve been doing all the right things, and felt myself getting on a nice little roll. I’ve been working on my career, my health and my personal life and feeling like I may actually have a shot at living my dreams after all. I really believed 2013 would be my year.

Then, on my way to Eau Claire, WI this afternoon I was pulled over in my rental car and given a speeding ticket for $250 by one of the smuggest cops I ever recall encountering. I could tell by how he cockily strutted from his car to mine that he was going to give me a ticket and that was it.

I don’t know why I knew it, but I could feel that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time for catching any leniency. I’d noticed there were cars getting pulled over all through Wisconsin. I’m sure Illinois plates on my rental car didn’t help, but I was consciously keeping my speed down.

The reason I was speeding was to pass an 18 wheeler so it wouldn’t kick up any stones to crack my windshield. I’ve been a magnet for that through my life, and it was expensive enough to have to rent the car in the first place. I was just looking to keep expenses down, not to break any laws.

Sure enough, Officer Hemorrhoid was on my ass out of nowhere, and looked pleased to be able to write me a $250 ticket. Did I bring up that I put together a benefit fundraiser for an officer that was injured just a few months ago? I didn’t, but that’s not why I did the benefit. I wanted to help a fellow human being who was in a pinch. Now I find myself in a financial one. Who helps ME?

In the big picture of life, does driving a rental car faster than the posted speed limit qualify me as a criminal? I realize it’s just a revenue stream for the state – kind of like winning the anti lotto. Instead of winning a scratch off for $250, I got picked out of the crowd to have to pay it instead.

I’m already in the toilet to pay the IRS for taxes, and I try my hardest to make an honest living providing a service that people need now more than ever before. Laughter is getting scarcer and scarcer with all the insanity going on in the world, and one would think the universe would value it and protect those who provide that service. Instead, it seems like we’re getting blasted hardest.

Most of my comedian friends are really struggling right now, as is most of America. No matter how positive anyone tries to think, times are very tough and getting tougher. Getting this ticket is a killer, as it will cause me to lose money for the trip. I was on a very slim profit margin already.

I’m sure it will make my insurance higher, and probably haunt me for years. Any road warrior knows speeding tickets happen, but this timing is terrible. It stings badly, but life doesn’t care. It could still be a great year, but I fail to see why this was necessary. Universe, bug someone else.

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