Plowing Through

Tuesday December 25th, 2012 – Reno, NV

   It was a wonderful Christmas, mainly because I slept through most of it. I’ve hit it hard most of this whole year, and having one day to just sit around and do nothing was quite refreshing. I’m in a really nice room at the Silver Legacy Hotel, and everything I need is in short walking distance.

That includes walking itself. There’s a convenient hamster trail system that connects where I’m staying with both Circus Circus and The Eldorado and I can get my walking in without having to go outside if I don’t want to. There’s a lot to look at, and I was surprised to find packed houses at the restaurants. What was even more of a surprise was seeing how many families were with kids.

I guess I didn’t picture the casino experience as somewhere to bring children, but they were out in full force all day and night. There is a large Asian customer base for whatever reason, and I’ve never seen that either. I don’t have a problem with Asian people, I just don’t recall there being as many when I lived here as there were today. I felt like I was walking around in Tokyo or Beijing.

I know the Bay Area has a large Asian population, and they must come to Reno for the holiday season apparently. Families were asking me left and right to take pictures of them, and of course I said yes every time. It didn’t bother me to take the pictures, but it did bother me that there were so many families together and most of them looked like they were having fun and enjoying life.

That’s how I always thought it should be, and the older I get the more I realize I never had that and likely never will. It takes a lifetime to build that, and mine has been amputated from an early age and it’s just not going to happen. I have a few cousins I’m very fond of, but they know what I’m talking about because they’re fighting it too. We’re all trying hard to salvage decent lives.

People who aren’t dented cans have no idea how painful this time of year is. I wish I wouldn’t be able to understand it myself, but I totally do. Others mean well by saying “Hey, come on over to our house for Christmas,” but that just makes it worse. It reinforces all that we are missing and depresses the hell out of me. I totally get why there are so many suicides at or near the holidays.

The feeling of sadness and isolation can be overwhelming, and it’s not just something anybody can go out and fix with a few simple steps. It’s ingrained, and just when our inner scab begins to heal the whole process rolls around again and the bleeding starts all over. I wish it weren’t true.

I’d love to have a loving wife and kids of my own to dote over, but I don’t think that will ever happen on this cosmic plane. It’s just not in the cards, and the more I wish for it the less likely it seems like it will ever happen. I don’t feel lovable, and I don’t feel loved. I never felt it as a kid, and it feels like the stump has crusted over. Comedy is fun, but doesn’t soothe this kind of pain.

So what the hell do I do? Damned if I know. I gave my life to be a comedian, and I’ve become a very good one – even if I’m not rich or famous. That doesn’t mean I can’t go into any comedy venue in North America and kick major ass. I’ll do it in Reno this week, and the audiences won’t have a clue that I’d give it all up to have a loving family around me. That’s what life is all about.

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