The ‘D’ Word

Wednesday August 8th, 2012 – Fox Lake, IL

   I’m tiptoeing through treacherous tulips these days. Each and every choice I make is crucial to the big picture, and there are no clear cut answers.  Part of being a one man band is keeping it all together and moving forward, but therein lies the problem. One misstep can stop a whole parade.

I shouldn’t have taken the two days off to go to Green Bay this week. It was fun to hang with a friend, but it came at exactly the wrong time. These are prime productive days to work on all my unfinished projects, and nothing got done as I left everything to sit yet again. I’m disappointed.

If I had to choose one word to sum up my entire life, I think that would be it – disappointment. I have this gigantic idea factory in my brain box full of grandiose dreams and ideas, but what I’m actually able to accomplish is not even close to what I picture in my head and that takes the wind out of my sail. It’s difficult to balance all those ideas, then my time gets scattered and it all stops.

When it stops, I tend to get depressed and take it even further off course. That’s the path I’m on now, and it’s an all too familiar one. Without a system in place of others who share similar ideals it all comes to a screeching halt, and that brings major disappointment. My self esteem is a mess.

I’ve been here before, and I’m here again. What will allow me to avoid having to return? I will surely cycle through again if I don’t make some kind of major change, but what? There’s nobody to tell me what to do, but I’m the one who asked for that. I wanted creative freedom, and I got it.

Maybe it’s a little too much freedom. Obviously, I’ve not been able to achieve what I thought I wanted so the failure and blame has to lie directly within me. That’s where success lives also, but it’s up to me to draw it out. That’s the real trick – one I sure am having a hell of a time learning.

A big part of it seems to be a lack of discipline. I let things distract me, and it takes me way off course – and the course wasn’t all that well defined in the first place. If some radio fill in work is available, I take that. If comedy gigs come my way, that’s where I go. I teach classes when I can, but there’s nothing in stone there either. I go with the flow, and that’s just not scratching my itch.

What really set me off today was looking around at the people I share this planet with. It scares me quite frankly. The masses really are asses, and I see how politicians can shear us like sheep. I don’t think I’m better than anyone, but at least I have some kind of vision. Most people are lost.

I looked around in Green Bay at the Packers practice, and most of the people I saw were totally clueless. Myself included, we all should have been out doing something productive and working to better our own lives. Football is entertainment, and there’s way too much emphasis put on it.

Even scarier was walking through the Wisconsin State Fair. It was a sea of human waste in my opinion, with most of those people going absolutely nowhere. The overwhelming majority were fat, drunk, pierced and tattooed with no hopes and dreams in their eye. I don’t want to be around people like that, but they’re everywhere. That disappoints me even more. Why should I even try?

One Response to “The ‘D’ Word”

  1. dobiemaxwell Says:

    Thanks for all your ‘likes’. I really appreciate you reading my daily ramblings.

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