Let’s Cancel Christmas This Year

Monday December 19th, 2011 – Fox Lake, IL

In the immortal words of Popeye the Sailor Man, “It’s all I can stands – I can’t stands no more.” That’s how I feel about Christmas and all that goes with it, and it’s only December 19th. I’m up to my roasting chestnuts in festive, and I’m ready to kick some Yule tide ass.

Enough already. Enough with the commercials. Enough with the same six stupid songs being played over and over and over again in every retail outlet, restaurant and elevator in the free world. Enough with those annoying bastards ringing that bell by the entrance of a store who stare at me like I just molested an elf when I don’t make a substantial donation.

I don’t want to be within six city blocks or forty country acres away from a single drop of that disgusting egg nog, a lick of a peppermint candy cane or even in the same zip code as a fricking fruit cake. My pancreas is quivering at the thought of those repulsive ‘treats’.

I want to rent a bazooka and take out the biggest reindeer around and fire up the hibachi or a George Foreman Grill and have a barbecue in December. Wouldn’t feeding strangers be a great way to show good will toward men? Oh, and I want to grow a pony tail so I can wrap mistletoe around it so all the off key carolers can kiss my jingle bells. Silent Night!

And don’t let me get my greasy paws on that little drummer boy. The tune I’ll pound on his coconut won’t be printed in any hymn book. That little punk has a major league fanny kicking coming if he doesn’t put those sticks down. I’m a poor boy too. Enough already.

Can’t we find a way to cancel Christmas for one year? The world will still spin, and I’m sure I’m not the only one that feels this way. They canceled the World Series in 1994, and we lived through that. I doubt if one person complained on any of the other six continents, and I didn’t hear a whole lot of bitching from Canada or Mexico here. Life will continue.

I don’t have a problem if someone enjoys Christmas, and in fact I think it’s kind of neat that something so stupid gives some people that big of a kick. Go ahead, have fun. Knock yourselves out, but DO IT ON YOUR OWN TIME. Have parties, decorate your house all you want, kill all the perfectly good pine trees you want – just don’t force me to do it too.

Restaurants used to have smoking and non smoking sections. Why can’t we have that at this time of year? A ‘Christmas’ or ‘No Christmas’ section. That way if someone wants to enjoy a meal without having to listen to Jose Feliciano’s only hit record, they can do that.

To many of us, it’s NOT the ‘most wonderful time of the year’. It brings back memories of things we don’t want to think about, but can’t help it because we’re reminded of it on a nonstop basis. And what about Jews, Muslims and others that don’t celebrate Christmas?

I know, I know. Now I’m a Scrooge, and I need to lighten up, blah blah blah. I’ve heard it all before, and I’ve tried to shut my mouth and press on. Not this year. It’s only the 19th of December and I’m about ready to crawl down a chimney and flip out on somebody.


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