Grateful Or Dead


Thursday November 24th, 2011 – Fox Lake, IL

I always consider every day to be Thanksgiving, and I mean it. With all the insanity I’ve endured, it’s truly a miracle that I’m still breathing. I should have been dead several times over by now, but even with all the bad breaks I’ve caught I still have had a hell of a run.

My disappointments are many, but I’ve still had enough spectacular moments wrapped up in all the bad times to at least keep it interesting. It could have gone better, but it could have gone a lot worse too. Every day is bonus time, and it’s up to me to write my ending.

I’m trying my best to live a productive life, but I’m not even close to where I think I can be and it’s really bothering me. I’m struggling with things that seem so unnecessary to me like keeping my bills paid and organizing my time that what’s truly important gets lost in the shuffle. I want to squeeze the most out of my potential, not squeak out a meager life.

Something’s wrong with this planet, and I don’t like the way things are going. Evil and stupidity seem to be growing like weeds and thriving, while kindness and knowledge are getting trampled on the floor. Has it always been this way, or am I just noticing it more?

Whatever the case, I’m noticing big time and it scares me. Is this the only planet where this is how life works, or is the whole universe tainted with insanity? I sure hope not, and if there is reincarnation I want to go on record and say I don’t want to come back here.

Too late for now though. I am here, and whatever amount of time I have left is growing shorter by the day. It’s up to me to make the most of that time, however long it is. I’m not guaranteed anything, and that’s actually fine with me. If I die tomorrow, I accept my fate.

What I refuse to accept is not giving my all, and being honest I don’t think I ever have. I have had to survive and live like a cockroach for so long it’s taken away a chance to focus on creative projects so I can not only really live but also make other people’s lives better.

What if I could have written and starred in movies like Charlie Chaplin or had the radio show I always dreamed of that would entertain people? That would have been a win/win for everyone, but for whatever reason it didn’t happen. I was close in radio, but the stars didn’t get totally aligned so here I sit wondering how I’m going to pay rent next month.

Still, I’m thankful for the good things I have – especially the non material things. Actual possessions mean less and less as I get older, but things like teaching comedy classes and hanging out with good people mean more and more. I would love to have a family to call my own, but that doesn’t look like it will ever happen. Maybe it’s not my lesson to learn.

What I’m feeling inside is a need to show more kindness. Life may not have dealt me a great hand, but it’s the only one I have and I have to play it. I want to leave this place and know I gave it my best shot. I can use significant improvement, and I hope I can leave this wacky planet better than I found it. That shouldn’t be too hard – this place is a nut house.

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