Hoping For Hope

Monday November 21st, 2011 – Chicago, IL

Well, I sure didn’t expect my morale and self esteem to dip down this low this quickly – and stay there for this long. I’ve had disappointments before, in fact a lifetime jam packed with them, but this particular setback sent me over the edge for some reason. I’m a mess.

It snapped something deep inside, and I’ve been trying to figure out exactly what that is. I thought I had a magnificent mojo and a tremendous groove for the last few months, and I did – probably my best ever, but this came out of nowhere and kicked me in the crotch.

It wasn’t just the fact that a bunch of people I thought were friends let me down. It goes deeper than that. I admit I have abandonment issues, and this rattled my cage in the worst way. Whatever tweak I have deep inside took a direct hit, and now there are aftershocks.

My mother left when I was a baby, and I’ve tried to deal with that my whole life and not let it get me down. For the most part I think I’ve dealt with it as well as anyone can, but in times like this I don’t know how to handle it. I always wondered what family life could be like if we’d have had a chance to at least know our mother, even if she didn’t live with us.

I’m sure it has to affect my brother and sister too as they’re older, but we haven’t talked in years so I have no idea how they feel. I’ve tried to make peace with them several times, but they want no part of it or me so here I sit with all this pent up garbage festering inside.

I’ve tried to ignore it, avoid it, work around it, but it’s still there. I remain that hurt little boy wondering where mommy went and why daddy is such a screaming meany and why I have to live with Grandma and Gramps while everyone else lives on together without me.

That’s the essence of the dent in my can, and even though I know I’m not alone or even the worst off, it still hurts and it’s still there – no matter how long ago it happened or what has happened since. Sometimes it all floats to the surface and stings, and this is that time.

This is why I feel a need to be in control all the time. If I’m pulling the strings, I know I won’t do anything intentionally to make this pain linger. I want people to laugh and enjoy themselves, myself included. I wish there was a strong family around for support, but that was never an option so I tried to make the best of my situation in whatever way I could.

On Saturday, when those people didn’t show up it went way deeper than a poor turnout at a comedy show. It was my family abandoning me all over again and that’s probably the most painful thing I can imagine, or ever want to. It makes me not want to live anymore.

If the people I thought were the closest to me don’t care, why would anyone else? I’m a wreck right now, and it’s been haunting me day and night since Saturday. What am I here for, and why do I have to keep getting kicked like this? I feel like I’m wasting everyone’s time, including my own. I wish I could just donate my organs to someone who could use them and lay down and go to sleep forever. What is the point of continuing this struggle?

I’m in a danger zone, and I know it. I don’t care if I live or die, and I know nobody else does either. Very few can relate to this kind of pain, but those who can know exactly what I’m feeling and it isn’t pretty. If I was a drinker, I’d be drunk and if I was an addict, I’d be high. I can see why those people do what they do, and I’m so glad I never took that road.

This is why the John Belushis of the world are found dead in hotel rooms. The dents in their can hit them square in the face like this did me and they get pushed over the edge for the last time. That’s where I am now, and I don’t know what I’m going to do to fight it.

My defenses are down, and just in time for the holidays too. That’s the last thing I need to have around me, but life doesn’t make it that easy. Hearing yet another Christmas ditty to remind me of my childhood might be all I need to get in my car and drive off that cliff.

This is all deep and dark and not for the squeamish. I wish life was one big Tupperware party, but it isn’t. We all have our particular nasties to deal with, but mine have never had much in common with the masses. I’m way out in deep space past Uranus, all by myself.

That’s where I feel I am now, and I don’t know what to do or where to go or who to talk to about any of this. What shocks me is it all happened so fast and unexpectedly. I was on a major upswing and things were looking up. I felt bulletproof and ready to tame the lions of life. Now I’m ready to suck a bullet, but I don’t want to leave a mess to be mopped up.

I wish I knew what would cheer me up right now. I’ve had quite a few people call to try to console me, but they’re making it worse. I’m not answering my phone to avoid dealing with any of that anymore. I’m sure they mean well, but they just pour gasoline on my fire.

I’m not a violent person, and I don’t see myself hurting anyone else. Maybe this kind of pain is what sets off all those workplace shootings that seem to be getting to be a frequent occurrence in recent years. I’m sorry it happens, but that’s not where my path is headed.

I just want the pain to stop. I want to feel needed and appreciated by SOMEONE on this planet, but I sure don’t feel it after Saturday. I thought after all these many years of paying my dues I’d be able to fill a room in my home town to raise a decent buck for a charity.

Now I’m sitting here with everything in disarray wondering what to do next. I’m out of guesses, and out of energy to try something else. A day job is not the answer, but what do I do to earn a living? I don’t know, and it hurts to think about it. My brain needs a reboot.

Everything hurts right now, and I don’t have faith in anything or anybody. The logic in me says it will pass, and it will. But when? That I don’t know. Until then, I have to circle the wagons and get through this however I can. Putting a bullet in my head won’t end it.

It would end this life, but there are still things left undone. Despite all this ugliness, I’m a good person inside and I know I can help others who are even worse off than me. That’s what I need to focus on, but it’s SO hard right now. I sure could use a little ray of hope.


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