Still Stewing

Sunday November 20th, 2011 – Fox Lake, IL

I’m still beyond hurt that the benefit show was such a flop last night. It’s a major slap in the face, and I feel like my entire life has been a waste of breath. I don’t claim to be better than anyone else, but I do think I’m better than last night. This isn’t how life is supposed to work, and it’s bubbling in my belly and burning like a bad burrito. I’m really bummed.

What else do I have to do to get people to show up? I know I have ability, and when I’m in front of an audience that’s already there I can bring it with the best of them. But getting a group to show up to see me is like trying to round up rabbis for a pork producer’s rally.

All I was trying to do was raise awareness for what I think is a worthy cause. Even if I’d not been diagnosed with diabetes myself, it is a major epidemic in this country and needs to be addressed. I’d have been glad to do a benefit even if it didn’t effect me personally.

Being a good person is way more important to me than career success, and that could be a major part of my problem. I’d rather help someone else than myself more often than not and that’s why I take this so personally. I am always giving of myself or trying to, and not getting it back when I ask for it really makes me feel lower than a pregnant ant’s belly.

I wasn’t asking those people to do anything but show up and have a good time. Many of them I’d done favors for throughout the years, and they weren’t necessarily fun but I did it anyway. They said they’d come, and they didn’t. I’m sorry, but that really pisses me off.

I’m all kinds of things. Disappointed. Disillusioned. Embarrassed. Hurt. I thought I had a list of people I could count on when I needed it, but I guess I don’t. People always try to make excuses like “Oh, it’s deer hunting weekend” or “The weather had something to do with it” or whatever the excuse of the week is. I’ve been hearing those for a lifetime now.

The market has spoken, and I guess I’ve been too stupid to hear it. Whatever I’m selling isn’t what a large portion of the public wants apparently. Their silence is deafening, and it finally sank in after last night. The 30 people that did show up were wonderful, and I love every one of them – but I could have called them up personally and all gone out to dinner.

What stings so much is that I tried to get the word out to friends and strangers alike. My appearance on ‘The Morning Blend’ was a great plug, and I’m very grateful for the strong support from Tiffany and Molly the hosts and Katie the producer. They were all fantastic. I’m also grateful for my plug on The D-List on AM 540 ESPN Radio. Thank you, gents.

So why didn’t the public show up, or the literally hundreds of others I personally had on my contact list? I just can‘t figure it out. They said they‘d be there to support, but it didn’t  happen. It makes me really think about my direction and wonder what to do next. Twenty plus years is a long time to devote to chasing any dream, and maybe it’s time to give it up and get a day job. But where? What am I supposed to do now? This rocked my world, and I don’t know how to react. I’ve been struggling for a lifetime, but this was the last straw.


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