Still Not There Yet

Sunday October 30th, 2011 – Kenosha, WI

I’m having all kinds of mixed emotions. One part of me is still riding a major high from a spectacular weekend filled with fun and adventure. Another is in severe panic mode due to my embarrassing lack of direction and support from anyone who can move me forward in my career. I feel like I’m storming the beach at Normandy in an old ratty canoe. Alone.

I’ve been on a roll lately, by far the best one I’ve ever been on for an extended length of time. People I’ve known for years are noticing it, and liking it. I feel their positive energy, and that makes me want to keep improving. It’s a cycle, but it isn‘t vicious. It‘s vivacious.

Improving my physical health has also improved my mental outlook, and I’m surfing on top of a major wave of productivity. I’m really enjoying everything I’m doing, and there’s a lot of fun stuff going on almost every day. I’m enjoying my life like I never have before.

That being said, I also know I’m nowhere near where I feel I could and should be. I’m a lone wolf, drifting through life trying to survive from hand to mouth. I feel like I’m a total non factor, having spun my wheels for too many years with nothing solid to show for it.

As much fun as I had doing that show in Munster, IN on Friday, I’d bet my pancreas not more than maybe 1% could recall my name right now. I could be in a police lineup, naked except for a beekeeper’s hat and clown shoes and nobody would know or care who I was.

Personally, that doesn’t bother me. I’ve been rejected by people way more crucial to my self esteem than comedy club patrons. If my own mother walks out of my life before I can remember meeting her and my siblings stop talking to me for reasons I still am not able to understand, nobody else can hurt me. When it comes to public rejection, I’m bulletproof.

Professionally is where I’m feeling the panic. I know I have some talent, but getting that elusive core following is harder than I ever imagined. I don’t need everyone to like what I do, just enough who know who I am and come see me when I come to their town. Why is that so difficult? I don’t know, but it is. I need a major career break to upgrade my status.

Comics who are doing what I’d like to be doing and I totally think I can are people like Brian Regan or Kathleen Madigan or Lewis Black. There are others on that list, like Lisa Lampanelli or even Frank Caliendo. They’ve established followings, and they serve them.

They work quality venues for solid money, and have bodies of  respectable work people have heard of. They have cable specials and DVDs and have a career. I’m still working in towns nobody’s heard of for low money trying to hawk my CD like Amway soap. It’s not the same game, and it wouldn’t take any extra effort to play the better gigs for better cash.

I’m putting out a plea to the universe: I NEED A BREAK! Can anyone hear me? I don’t feel like anyone has yet, and I’m the worse off for it. Dented cans find it difficult to trust and let go, and I admit that I do too. I’ve come so far, but I need to go a little bit farther.


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