Saturday October 30th, 2010 – Cozumel, Mexico

Usually, not having a gig on a Saturday bothers me. Not so much this week. The cruise I’m on isn’t a full week like the others I’ve done so there are only two comedians needed for the duration. Tonight was a dark night in the comedy club and we finish up tomorrow.

If I have to be off work with nothing to do at the end of October, Cozumel isn’t too bad of a place to hang for a day. This is probably my favorite of all the ports I’ve gotten to see so far, and I took a nice long walk in the sun today to let some ideas bake into my brain.

Plain and simple, I’m at a major crossroads in life and I really don‘t have a crystal clear vision locked in of where I’m going. Since I’ve spent most of my life in survival mode, it feels kind of strange to even think about any kind of direction at all. I’m so used to having to grab on to any old piece of floating debris and hope I can hang on until morning comes.

That really needs to stop, at least for this next chapter of my life. In all reality, this is my last shot to do anything that might be the least bit meaningful and I don’t want to waste it. I see all the mistakes I’ve made, and part of me is embarrassed. Another part is pleased to know I had the guts to make them in the first place. I sure learned some valuable lessons.

I’ve had my share and what seems like a dozen other people’s share of bad breaks, but I can’t and won’t blame that for anything. I’ve had plenty of time to recover from wherever I came from or whatever went wrong and at this stage of the game my life is in my hands.

That thought hit me hard as I sat in a beach front cantina having an order of ocean fresh lobster that was supposedly flown in today. It sure tasted like it, and looking out over the vast beauty of the Gulf of Mexico made me feel more humble and insignificant than ever. The haunting lyrics of ‘Dust In The Wind’ crawled into my ear and shut me up but quick.

It also hit me that I was probably the first in my family to sit in Cozumel on the beach to even have these thoughts at all. My father never wanted to go anywhere and rarely left his own little world. My grandfather was a wanderlust like me, but from what he always told me he never did much more than hobo across America on freight trains back in his day.

His father came from Russia and the only cruise ship he got to ride on wasn’t nearly as nice as the ones I’m on, and that was a one way trip to Ellis Island. Before that, I’m sure there were probably many generations of Russian peasants who lived in squalor and filth.

Here I am getting to hang out in exotic Caribbean ports eating lobster, and I don’t even want it at this point in my life. I appreciated it today, but if someone told me it was going to end forever next week and I’d be able to do what I really wanted, I’d be fine with it.

That was my major focus today – what the hell IS it I ’really want to do’? It’s late in the game to be making major changes, and a lot of things just aren’t possible anymore. But, if I keep drifting like I have been I’ll die in my own squalor and filth and I don’t want that.

I must have walked at least five or six miles to the cantina and back, and I was in one of my reflective, deep in thought bullet proof moods. The sunshine made my thoughts come clearly, and I felt like I was in a creative hot zone all day. I just saw things in a big picture kind of way, and it felt totally right. I feel like a flower getting ready for my bloom time.

I realized it doesn’t matter where I live, and it doesn’t matter if my life is whatever the term ’normal’ means. If reincarnation and past lives are indeed real, this one was a huge step in a good direction for me. I may have lost out on a lot of things most others on this plane get to experience, but I’ve grown so much in so many areas that it was worth it.

I wouldn’t be surprised if I died soon, and it doesn’t scare me in the least at this point. It actually intrigues me in a way. If indeed there is a reason for all of us living through all of the insanity this life, I‘ve got to believe at some point we’re going to find out why. I want to know why my life has been so different and seemingly more difficult than many others.

This isn’t the world I want to be the king of anyway. It’s unfair, vicious and run by idiot sticks who’ve had thousands of years to figure things out and still haven’t done it. I’ll be a passenger on this ship until the ride is over, then see where my transfer will drop me off.

I really enjoyed every step of my walk today, and felt the sweat soak my whole body on the way back. I was sore, soaked and satisfied as I got back to the ship and took a long hot shower in my cabin. I felt refreshed and ready to go, so I took out my computer and took a long detailed look through all my files of ideas, projects and goals and I got very excited.

There are all kinds of ideas that I know I haven’t given my all to, so I have to focus on a precious few and see what I think is most important. I really think I can help young comic wannabes get started properly and I’d love to be able to do that after I’m dead. A recorded version of the classes along with books and paperwork is a must. That jumped out at me.

I also think I can do better at my own standup. I’d love to get a few more shots on some network TV shows, and put out some new recorded product in the near future. I have all kinds of material I haven’t even tried yet, and it’s just waiting for me to get to it. I can use the ships to work it in, and there’s no reason I can’t have two or three TV sets ready to go.

That’s one thing I haven’t done since my Craig Ferguson appearance, and I’m flat out a big stupid goof for not doing it. That’s going to change immediately. Starting tomorrow, I will do ONE joke in each show that I want to start building television appearances sets on and keep building them until they’re razor sharp and I can do them backwards and asleep.

I should have been doing that the day after my first shot aired, but I haven’t. Why I had all this wisdom hit me today is a mystery, but it kept coming all day. I want to keep up the ‘Schlitz Happened!’ one man show also. I think there’s a winner there and that will be an ongoing project for the near future. Other than that, I’ve got all I can handle and a gut full of fresh lobster. It’s back to work tomorrow, then back north to find a new place to live.


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