Memorial Daydreaming

Monday May 31st, 2010 – Lake Villa, IL

I think I struck a nerve with what I started rambling about yesterday. Quite a few people made a point of contacting me personally to say how much they could relate to everything I was talking about. I don’ t know whether to be relieved or disturbed. I’m a bit of both.

Why is life like this? People have been asking that for generations, and it doesn’t appear to be getting any better. There’s injustice everywhere, and it all seems so pointless. I wish we at least had an explanation of some sort, but we don’t. That’s why it’s so frustrating.

On one hand, there’s a part of life that seems so desirable. Then, so few of us ever get it that it all seems like a cruel joke. Then, those who do actually manage to attain it screw it up royally, and it’s even more frustrating. There are countless examples and it baffles me.

In comedy, Richard Jeni is a perfect example. He achieved what most people would say is fantastic success, yet it still wasn’t enough and he ended up killing himself. Would that happen to me? I guess I can’t say that until I’ve been there, but as of now I haven’t been.

It’s not just material things either, but that is a big part of it. We all need to have at least some physical possessions, and money is the way we measure how to achieve it. It’s not a perfect system, but what’s better? We haven’t thought of that yet, so money’s it for now.

That seems to be where a lot of problems lie for a lot of people. It does for me. If I had a nest egg of money, I wouldn’t be in the situation of unpleasant uphill struggle I’m in. I am a lot of the reason for it, and I admit that – but I want to change and improve my position.

My problem seems to be I intend to do it honestly and without hurting anyone else. As I get older I feel my cynicism enlarging like my prostate, and I wonder if it’s at all possible. I’m not saying good people can’t have money, but it sure seems to be rare from my view.

Do rappers and athletes really need to have as much money as they do? Is it fair they get paid like they do when teachers and cops and fire fighters and soldiers and those who do a lot more good for the benefit of us all have to struggle to pay bills every month? I say no.

But who cares what I say? Not many. That’s why it felt so good to hear from the people I did when I started down this path yesterday. There ARE people who see the things I do, and they can’t figure it out either. At least it feels good to know I’m not totally alone here.

Still, I’ve got a lot of work to do if I’m going to change my life around for the better. In a perfect world, I’d be firing on all cylinders right now but this is far from a perfect world and I’m struggling big time just to stay afloat. That makes it even harder to change gears.

I took a lot of the day to just sit and think – about my life, about life in general, about a lot of things. Memorial Day was one of them. My heart goes out to all who sacrificed life so I can complain about mine. I can’t let them down, or myself either. Time to get tough.

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