Mood Swinging

Sunday April 25th, 2010 – Kenosha, WI/Lake Villa, IL

I’m in one of my infamous short tempered dissatisfied pissy moods again. I hope it isn’t a depression funk coming on. It’s been nice to not have to go through that for what’s been a very long time now, but the revolving apple usually has the wormy side out eventually.

For whatever reason, it seems like everything I’m doing or have ever done flat out sucks turkey giblets. Whether it’s true or not, it sure seems that way. I’m only able to look at my glass as not only being half empty, the glass itself has cracks and flaws in it. What a drag.

I look at my tiny little CD and tiny little radio show and I feel like a complete loser after a lifetime of chasing so many big things. I had such gigantic aspirations at the start of this journey, and I look at what I actually caught and it seems like it wasn’t worth the effort.

We had a very weak Mothership Connection radio show tonight, or at least I thought so. It started out fine, but then we had some guest miscommunication and one didn’t show up and the other came on by phone. We had to half ass it through, and I wasn’t thrilled at all.

Normally that wouldn’t bother me, but for some reason it really irritated me tonight. It’s not like we’re on a huge station and nobody really cares who are guests are or aren’t, but I just all of a sudden felt like a rinky dink amateur and was wasting my time playing radio.

There were a couple of sit in guests tonight as the on air crew keeps evolving. People do what they do, and I understand that. People have things come up and it’s my job to get the most I can out of whoever shows up on a particular week. Tonight it just didn’t work out.

My friend Shelley came out because she likes being on the air. She helps me a lot with a lot of things, mostly my website. Her and her husband Bob really did me a favor when my computer was infected with viruses, so I’m glad to have her sit in if she wants. She’s fine on the air, as are the others, but tonight she stuck me with a joke that really hit me wrong.

Normally, I’m the first one to make fun of myself and I can take a joke without thinking about it. Then there are times when I have a skin so thin I could read a newspaper through it. It’s not necessarily what is said, but how it comes out. When it comes out like that, I’m totally back in my childhood getting sliced up verbally by my father, the king of all cruel.

I don’t think Shelley meant anything by it, but it sure came out that way. It flipped a big switch in my head, and I was gone for the night. I wanted to just get up and go home right there, but I had three more hours to kill, with no scheduled guests to pass the time away.

Eventually one of the guests called in and we stumbled our way through the three hours but I could feel myself sliding away the whole time. I can’t remember something hitting a nerve that big in a long time, but it totally did. My can still has a dent in it, and it’s giving me fits right now. I know I’m a crazy bastard, and something like this shouldn’t put me in such a low mood, but I’m totally feeling down right now. I sure hope it’s not depression.


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