A Positive Force


Wednesday September 23rd, 2009 – Lake Villa, IL

One thing I’ve always been willing to do is take action. Sometimes my actions have had disastrous results but at least I didn’t just sit there and do nothing. Today I decided to take action and not just wallow in my current situation. It’s time to get it in gear and move on.

I sure hope I learn whatever lesson I was supposed to glean from all this, if indeed there is one. This was deep and dark and intense and unpleasant and I don’t wish it on anybody, well almost. I guess I wouldn’t be heartbroken if a select few wankers that come to mind have to deal with it too but that’s not my call. I’ve got enough to keep me busy right now.

Today I got out and did a whole bunch of things I didn’t want to do. I mean, I REALLY didn’t want to do these things but I knew it was in my best interests so I did them anyway. I forced myself. It was extremely difficult but at the end of the day I can see I was right.

The first thing I did was haul myself over to the Gurnee Mills Mall and start back up on my walking again. That was about the last thing I wanted to do today but I knew I needed to get back to it and I wasn’t going to take no for an answer. I have been out of my groove  for a while and the mall seemed like it grew. I had all I could handle to complete one lap.

When I first started I felt physically sick inside. I didn’t want to be there but I knew my blood needed to pump out all this bad energy so I clenched my jaw and started walking at a steady pace, focusing straight ahead only a few feet at a time. I didn’t want to get blown away by the big picture of how enormous it seemed. I only looked at what was just ahead.

My legs felt like cement poles and my feet felt like manhole covers as I kept them all in motion for the first leg of my walk. It was very uncomfortable but then I felt a rhythm get started and before long I was getting into it. I could feel myself working through the hurt.

As I finished my first lap I felt like falling over but I knew I needed to do another one so I could really start kicking myself into gear. Today of all days I needed this so I kept it up and sure enough I was able to complete a second lap. By that time I was ready for either a nap or triple bypass surgery but I was glad I stuck with it. It felt like I did the right thing.

My next stop was the Golden Corral. I piled my plate high with a salad made with only fresh vegetables and lots of them. Any and every vegetable they had I sampled and it was actually not all torture. Other days I have made excuses why pizza and Pepsi taste better.

They do, but today I skipped them and ate only things that were grown in soil. After my salad I went back to the buffet and loaded up only on hot vegetables. It was sort of hard to pass up the onion rings and lasagna and fried chicken, but that only lasted about a minute.

I knew for at least one day I needed to pack some purpose into my pipes so I did. I have eaten enough of that other stuff for the rest of my life so now it doesn’t hurt to put a little something good in there. Maybe it will start bringing different results. I would enjoy that.

It really felt good to take that long brisk walk and pack down all those vegetables, even though I had to force myself to do it. It’s easy to curl up and do nothing but the winners in life don’t settle for that. They forge ahead and do what’s right, even when it’s not easy.

That’s what I’m shooting for right now. I am NOT going to let depression defeat me but it sure has given me a run for my money lately. I feel like I’m surveying the damage to my property after a category 5 hurricane went through and deciding where to start rebuilding.

Everything in my life is in shambles right now. I don’t have any money put away for an emergency like I did just a couple of years ago. I was sitting pretty nicely so I made some decisions I wouldn’t necessarily make now. Then the economy tanked and here I sit with my education wishing I’d done things differently. Too late. I have to deal with what I did.

Comedy on a club level is also a mess right now. I just heard that Giggles in Brookfield, WI bounced checks to four other comedians too. Ugh. That’s not what I want to hear as it means he’ll probably go under and none of us will get paid. I need that money but I doubt if I’ll see it any time soon. That’s just fact. I’ll file my small claim in court and move on.

The one thing I can’t afford to do is get lost in the big picture. I won’t be able to fix my whole life in a day or a month or even a year. It will take steady progress and lots of days in a row like I had today. I rolled up my sleeves and went to work today and it was good.

I am not going to waste my energy on anger over things I can’t control. I’ll have plenty to deal with focusing on that which I can control and that’s where my energy will go. I’ve got some skills and some good connections and I can work harder and smarter doing what I’ve needed to do for a while now. I need to sit down and reassess everything in my life.

A day job is not going to be the answer for me. It just isn’t. Would I work as a clerk at a Target or manage a Wendy’s? I guess so, but I know that’s not where my real talent lies. I worked too hard for too long to just give it all up and sell mufflers or deliver pizzas. I am not opposed to doing any of those things but this far into the game it seems pretty stupid.

At lunch today I brought a legal pad and planned out what I want my comedy classes to become. I have a lifetime of expertise and I know I can help people on all levels develop a skill that is needed more now than ever before. That’s where I think I can be of most help to society, not mopping out the overflowing dumper of some Shell station on third shift.

I was proud of myself today. I know one day won’t bring me back to whatever the term ‘normal’ means, but it did a lot of inner cleaning and damage control and I feel better for doing it. It wasn’t easy but it was right. That’s how I think a winner should make choices.

I’ve still got a hell of a long way to go and there’s all kinds of other things to get to like the ever challenging pile of emails and all the other things I’ve let sit but I’m going to get it in gear and keep making the tough choices that will move it all ahead. Life is short and my death will come soon enough. I want to make the most of whatever life I do have left.

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