Struggles To The Max

Sunday September 20th, 2009 – Lake Villa, IL/Kenosha, WI

I can’t ever remember being in a funk this deep and it doesn’t seem to be lifting. I called my friend Max in Springfield, IL because he’s one of the few that can relate to what I feel right now. I’ve talked him off the ledge more than once when he was feeling like I am and today it was his turn to return the favor. If nothing else it’s nice to have a sounding board.

Max is a great guy and very smart and tries as hard as he can to be a good person just as I do. Sure, we both make mistakes and neither one of us are afraid to take the blame when we screw up but when we get like this it’s got nothing to do with screwing up or the kind of person either of us is. The dents in our can are painful and both of us struggle with it.

I’ve talked Max through some really intense times when all he feels like doing is getting in his car and ramming into an oncoming semi or train and ending it all so his kids will be taken care of with his life insurance policy. Max is a great dad and loves his kids and said they’re the only reason he stays alive when he gets in his dark space but still it’s difficult.

I know exactly what he means. I’m there now. The darkness totally envelops every part of the conscious mind and it’s overwhelming. Nothing seems worthwhile and everything seems useless, including getting out of bed. I have to fight with myself to get dressed and leave the house because I don’t feel like going anywhere or dealing with anyone. It’s hell.

The worst is when people say “Just cheer up and get over it.” Ha. If they only knew the depth of how stupid that actually is. Then there’s the religious nuts who say “Put it all in God’s hands.” Sorry, I’m having a really hard time with that one. I don’t feel a God at all. Supposedly if there is one He’s not supposed to send us more than we can handle. Please.

I’m exactly at that point right now. In the Popeye cartoons it’s when he opens a can of spinach and sucks it through his pipe. I’ve had all I can stands and I can’t stands no more. I’m sick of everything and nothing excites me. I want to reboot my life so the pain stops.

What would do that? Drugs? Maybe, but I’m not going that way. I’ve heard a whole lot of nightmare stories about Prozac and I’m screwed up enough already without adding that to the mix. Who knows what kind of side affects there might be? I’ve read up on it quite a bit and it doesn’t seem right for me. There has to be a better way, but what the hell is it?

Max and I had a long talk about it and we’ve had it many times before. One thing we’ve always experienced is that it eventually passes, at least for a while. This is one of the very worst spells I can ever remember but hopefully it will pass soon. It’s already been several days and it’s drained my energy on all levels. I don’t know how much more I can handle.

What’s really disturbing is that everything I like or at least I thought I liked isn’t making me happy like it used to. Jerry’s Kidders used to be fun. Now it’s a chore. The same thing goes for The Mothership Connection radio show on WLIP in Kenosha, WI. I really didn’t feel like showing up at all tonight and it’s never happened before. That bothers me a lot.

These were things I really used to enjoy doing, even though I didn’t make a dime doing them. I did them for fun and now that’s even gone. Tonight’s Mothership Connection was all over the place because I had a guest cancel at the last minute. Then Lara Shaffer did it a few minutes later. I felt like calling it all off but I made a commitment so I showed up.

We ended up piecing a show together but halfway through Dr. Destruction checked out and went home because he was tired from a busy weekend. Gary Pansch and Diane Ebert stepped up and we had some last minute guests like Vivian Harper who talked about a lot of interesting things from the Mayan calendar ending in 2012 to the Atlantis civilization.

Normally I love stuff like this but tonight all I could think of was how much I wanted it all to be over so I could go home and go back to bed and sleep away the pain. That’s not a fun feeling and it’s a giant red flag when things I used to love are now becoming boring.

What really took the cake earlier in the day was watching the Green Bay Packers lose in embarrassing fashion to the School Sisters of the Poor, a.k.a. the Cincinnati Bengals. That was about as painful as it gets and even though I know I shouldn’t care about the score of a stupid football game, it still bothers me that they could lose a game in such a bad way.

Their effort was terrible and they deserved to lose but what I can’t stop are the emotions attached to a lifetime of cheering for those worthless meatheads. The sheer humiliation of a lifetime of loyalty being kicked back in my face was enough to make me get in my own car and drive head on into a train myself. If I was in charge of the team they’d all be gone.

This is how I know all of this is completely stupid – I actually cared. Why does it get me so emotionally involved? None of those million dollar steroid apes care about me or what I think so why do I keep cheering for them? I don’t know, but I do. I wish I could stop but it’s been a lifetime addiction. I love the Packers and they continue to abuse me in return.

I’m way out of sync with everything right now. I honestly don’t care if I live or die and I would gladly lay down and let someone else have my remaining time if they wanted it but that’s not an option. I know I’m not the only one who’s been in this position and I have to believe there are people in the world right now who are right with me but what do we do?

Anyone who’s been in this situation knows how lonely and dark it is. Anyone who isn’t familiar with it thinks I’m a whiny sniveler with nothing to whine about. That’s very easy to say if one hasn’t experienced it. I can say all I want how periods are no big deal but I’ll never have any credibility unless I actually have one myself. Thankfully, I think I‘m safe.

What’s positive about this, anything? A winner looks within and doesn’t blame. I don’t want to let this defeat me but it’s sure putting me into a state of paralyzed suspension and it’s taking away my creative drive. Not only that it’s even taking away my desire to live.

Dented cans deal with this constantly. Max totally gets it and we had a rational back and forth discussion about it today. Hopefully it’ll turn around soon. I can’t take much more.


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