It’s Only Money


Saturday July 11th, 2009 – Chicago, IL

July 11th. “7-11“. I’m not sure if it means anything but I took it as a cosmic hint to buy two lottery tickets just to be safe. I’m sure nine zillion other idiots did the same thing so my odds are even worse than usual but that’s ok. At least there’s a chance. I’m all about hope. I’m about out of money too so a nice little wad would come in handy right now.

I know it sounds goofy but I’ve always pictured myself coming into a giant windfall of cash at some point in my life. Even as a kid I always had that vision in my head. I thought it would be from getting signed to a Major League baseball contract but that wasn’t in the cards. I didn’t give up though and over the years I expected it from other places. I still do.

Would it be fun to earn a fortune? I guess so, but I’ve been trying to do that too for a lot of years and it hasn’t panned out to my expectations. I thought for sure I’d be rich and set for life by now and I’m not. Part of it was my fault and part of it wasn’t but I’m in a bind. I made a few smart choices but I also took some risks that didn’t pay off. Here I sit today.

I’ve watched ‘The Secret’ and ‘Rich Dad Poor Dad’ and even a bunch of the ‘no money down’ real estate snakes and I realize that money is just a tool. It doesn’t buy happiness or perfection but I think it does buy freedom and that’s very precious to me. I like choices.

Then again, I’ve totally screwed up so many of my life’s choices that maybe money is a bad thing to entrust with an halfwit like me. When I’ve had it I’ve spent it freely but I did think of others when I did it and wasn’t a greedy bastard thinking only of myself. I like to spread it around like manure and hope something good grows out of it. It usually does.

At one time I was in my grandparents’ will to be cut in a third along with my father and uncle. They weren’t too thrilled with that discovery and over the years they weaseled their way between me and the money and got it all. My uncle used to do my taxes and he put a paper in front of me and said “Sign this.” Stupidly, I did. I trusted him and I got scorched.

I was young and even stupider than I am now and I didn’t think much of it at the time. It came into play later and as my grandparents both died it became apparent I’d been hosed. I admit I was pissed off about it for a while because I really could have used that financial base to make some different decisions in my life. I could have moved to L.A. and stayed.

Instead I had to slug it out on the road doing comedy and take radio gigs in places that I never would have chosen to live like Salt Lake City and Reno and all these years later I’m still struggling to find my way. I got a ton of life experience but it sure took a major toll. I never had the chance to go to college and I knew it so I had to just move on and continue.

I tried to figure it out and I think my end would have been probably around $150,000 or so. That’s not millions but it’s nothing to sneeze at either. I could have made that stretch a long way and I still could. But it never came. My father died and my uncle is getting close and what did it all prove? Not a damn thing. They didn’t do anything productive with it.

Then there’s my sister Tammy. Apparently she won the lottery for $250,000 years ago. I heard about it third hand and actually when I did I was happy for her. She supposedly was left with $166,000 after taxes from what I heard and she paid off other family members so they wouldn’t tell me about it. I find that funny now but back then it really hurt to hear it.

She knew I was struggling and could have slipped me a few bucks to be nice but even if she didn’t I don’t think she had to tell them not to tell me about it. I heard about it a while after the fact from a couple of different people so maybe it was true. Whatever. Good for Tammy. I know she bought a house with it so I hope it made her happy. It’s only money.

That’s the way I look at it now. It’s a symbol of energy and love and a way to measure a person’s abilities. It’s not always fair but there are some basic skills involved to handle it and I haven’t been very good at it over the years on a regular basis. I’m ready to evolve.

I’m putting a vibe out in the universe that I am ok with money and I will use it for good when it finally does come my way. My needs are so low that my wildest dreams aren’t all that wild and I’ll have plenty left over to use for positive things when the windfall comes.

My father didn’t do anything memorable with his life or money and my uncle probably won’t make any stunning changes this late into his own situation. He could have broken the family chain but he didn’t and I refuse to go down that same path. I want to do better.

The good thing is, even though I’m squeaking by I’ve done it honestly. Every oil leaker car I drive and every bite of greasy food I eat and every out of style shirt I wear are bought with money I went out and EARNED. There is a real feeling of accomplishment in that.

But a little help sure would be nice right about now. Selling the bank robbery script is a distinct possibility but not if I don’t start showing it to people. I also have a ton of ideas to develop as far as books and comedy classes and Uranus Factory Outlet and even one little hit out of any of that would put me in a way better place. I’ve paid my dues. I’m ready.

I bought the two lottery tickets today and I imagined myself winning. I saw the cameras rolling and the news people laughing out loud as I cracked off joke after joke. Having my luck turn around so dramatically would be a perfect end to being Mr. Lucky in a negative way. It would be a whole lot funnier talking about how I USED to have a lot of bad luck.

I want to put it out in the universe that I expect a windfall and I expect it soon. I’ve had a lot of lean years and it’s my time to catch a good break for once. I’m preparing my mind to accept that gift and not have to keep living in a basement like an insect. I’m over that.

On a high note our Jerry’s Kidders segment on WGN radio was a blast today. We were on fire with lines bouncing back and forth and energy percolated from everyone. Whether anyone listening knows or cares about us isn’t the issue. We’re not getting paid so why do it if it doesn’t please us? We could see people on Michigan Avenue looking in at us as we did it and they were laughing so I think some listeners did too. Money sure can’t buy that.

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