Personal Evolution

Sunday May 24th, 2009 – Lake Villa, IL

I’m still on a high from this week in Appleton. Everything went like it was supposed to or at least how I thought it was supposed to and I couldn’t be any more pleased. I feel like it was a graduation of sorts because it‘s taken years to prepare myself onstage and off and this was the week where it all came together. Symbolically and literally I really nailed it.

It’s kind of like another chapter in my life is closing and I need to move on. I set out to be a road comic way back when and my vision was to be a strong headliner that would be able to blow audiences away in every situation. I’ve come about as close to achieving that as is humanly possible although it came with a great price. Now I need a new goal in life.

Oh, I’ll still do comedy shows. That will never change. As long as I’m alive I can’t see myself not wanting to perform – especially under circumstances like there were this week. I just need to have a different life objective. I’m evolving in many ways so this is natural.

When I started I was a young punk and an angry one at that. I was looking to prove to a lot of people including myself I had something to offer the world. I wanted to be a comic but I have to admit some of it was for the wrong reasons. I wanted to stick it in the ass of people I thought had slighted me and that’s never the right reason but I’m past that now.

I learned a lot of lessons and many of them well. Many more were learned not only the hard way but a way that had never been tried before. I made some mistakes people STILL talk about to this day so I guess that says something. When I went I went big. Now I need to go in a totally new direction with a new destination locked in my head for the journey.

When I started in comedy there were a lot of unanswered questions. Was I good enough to achieve what I wanted? Would I be able to survive? Did I have the stamina to stay with it and never give up? All those answers turned out to be yes but I didn’t know that then. It was a choppy and uneven trip with a lot of rough spots and I don’t want to do that again.

I want to focus my life on kindness and giving. I know that sounds corny and staged but I totally mean it. I’m not ever going to be all that I dreamed of mainly because it’s too late for that now. I missed a lot of chances through the years for different reasons and now it’s a matter of piecing together a salvaged life from the chunks of wreckage that are all over.

It’s not my main goal to be famous and in fact I’m ok if I’m not. I want to be known by a core group of fans, yes. That doesn’t mean I want to have to rent a theatre like Elvis so I can watch a movie. That’s a curse, not a blessing. I want to make my life shine with those who are on a path to be students of the truth like me. It’s a lot deeper than comedy clubs.

I like to think I’m a lot deeper too. I love comedy and I still enjoy performing but I need to find another passion to take me through the rest of my life. I achieved the comedy level I aimed for when I started and this week was the culmination of that. Fame does not have anything to do with it. I know in my heart I did it. I passed the test. Time for the next one.

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