Shape Shifting


Friday May 1st, 2009 – Lake Villa, IL

May Day. A perfect time to start a healthy dose of spring cleaning in many areas of life. From my comedy to my colon to my finances to my living situation, it all needs a cleanse. Lots of things are backing up and I feel bloated and sluggish. It’s time to blow it all out.

The first order of business is my physical health. I was in a decent groove just a couple of months ago when I was in training for the big Craig Ferguson shot in L.A. I was going to the Gurnee Mills Mall and taking laps with the rest of the old fart patrol but I was very proud of myself for not only going every day but also increasing my number of mall laps.

It was only a couple of weeks but I was up to three laps and it felt great. I would be able to work up a nice sweat and I felt soreness in my legs the next day but it felt good. Today I went back and it was all I could do to put in one lap. My tongue was hanging out and my shirt was soaked with sweat and I thought I was going to keel over and croak right there.

My eating habits have been horrible lately and there’s just no excuse for any of it other than bad food just tastes so damn GOOD. I love all cheeses and red meats and milkshakes and pasta and especially soda. They call it ‘pop’ here in Illinois but it’s soda where I come from. No matter what it’s called it’s one of the worst things I can put into my aging body.

But I love it. Why? I don’t know, but I do. There’s just nothing like a tall glass of Pepsi packed with ice with those fresh fizzy bubbles popping with any meal. It’s delicious and I have no desire to give it up. That’s why it’s so difficult. I’m hooked on those bubbles and I admit it. I’m sure the caffeine helps me crave it too but it really doesn’t faze me much.

I can drink a Pepsi or a Mountain Dew or a Dr. Pepper and go right to sleep. Maybe I’m immune to it or maybe I’m addicted but I never feel there’s a bad time to have a cold soda and that’s probably why I like it so much. I need to make it a point to lay off for a while.

I’ve been through all this before and I go in and out of being good and then going all the way off the wagon and I’m sick of that. I had years and years of eating and drinking every little thing I wanted to. Those years are OVER. I really do need to start changing my diet.

Vegetables suck. Let me just get that out of the way right now. I don’t want to load up a big plate with bok choy and celery sticks for lunch but if I don’t start doing something I’ll be hunched over my steering wheel in the Taco Bell parking lot with an exploded heart.

I can choose to ignore it or I can do something about it. I’ve felt especially out of shape lately and it’s time to address it. After my lame lap in the mall I went over to the Golden Corral for a semi healthy lunch. At least I was able to avoid an icy cold soda. For a day.

This is going to be an ongoing struggle for the rest of my life, which could be tomorrow if I don’t turn it around and quickly. I’ve let it get out of hand and now I need to turn it all around and start from ground zero. Today was day one and not so fun. But I am doing it.

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